The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You Know You're DOOMED When...

after a power failure, your VCR just keeps blinking 1900.

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

This Crapolla is sponsored by...

In This Issue...

Resolving to not get too excited about this calendar Crapolla.

Nothing Happened

Now that the year 2000 came and went with nothing happening (I'm writing in November, but if anything did happen, you won't be reading this anyway and no one will know how much I screwed up) let's toss out all the Y2K Crapolla and get on with doing IPO's and buying houses that cost five times too much, and speaking pig-latin to the folks at Fry's Electronics to see if it helps. Let's get on with life!

New Year's Resolutions

I usually do not make New Year's resolutions. I just never got into the habit of making silly promises I don't intend to keep. (You know, like in the Sales department.) So on this first occasion of me making silly promises, let's start by resolving the rules.

Fek'Lar's New Year's Resolutions
1. No Bullshit Resolutions. You know ... lose weight, learn to love Bill Gates, stop dunking Twinkies in my Diet Coke ... the impossible. This would be a waste of time, like reading program specs written by the Marketing department. Looks nice on paper, but isn't going to happen.
2. I won't be referring to the year 2000 as the "New Millennium". It's not. I had a nice chat with the Pope. The Holy See created our calendar. All calendar events begin with one not zero. There is no January 0, 2000. So the year 2001 is the first year of the third millennium. People who think 2000 begins the millennium can't count. But that won't stop me from buying millennium party supplies that just went on sale. Prices are cheap, save up.
3. I won't be referring to this year as Y2K. It's not. Anyone who knows anything knows that Y2K is 2048. That's why nothing happened. On January 1, 2048 I'll be 87 years old. If the world goes to hell then, do you really think I'm going to care if I can't play Pac-Man? Okay, maybe I will if genetic engineering pays off and I turn my odometer back at the chromosome level. But failing that, I still have 48 years to piss away.
4. I won't use 1-800-collect to call people up in the middle of the night and laugh when and if my company goes public. I will pay for these calls myself. (This offer expires December 31, 2000.)
5. I resolve that five out of ten statistics I quote will be true. No more making up eighty percent of the stuff I tell customers.
6. I resolve that version 4.0 bugs will be completely fixed before installing the all new version 5.0 bugs.
7. When interviewing job candidates I will not ask them to match head shots of the executive staff with the names of the seven dwarves.
8. I will stop wondering why the suits always give me bullshit answers that don't fit the facts. It's a waste of time to look for logic in a wasteland of knee-jerk reactions. Suits will be suits. We should only use them to cover our asses.
9. I promise not to write an open source macro virus that stands up and shows the world just how insecure the products of a certain company in Redmond, Washington are. If the world wants to play Mumbly Peg with its private information, that's its own business. But damn, it would be fun.
10. I resolve to only have nine resolutions.

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe

THE WORLD ENDED!!!!

We're all dead, hallucinating that we're still alive!

(Go ahead, prove this one wrong.)

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"You have too much surface friction."

"My kids loved this idea!"
"Your kids wanted their allowance."

"I want this over. I've been pregnant for a long time."

"As soon as I said it I thought, 'Ron, you're an idiot.'"

"Never drink five day old coffee. It has that five day old taste."

"You missed my incredible 'Open Mouth - Insert Foot' lecture."

"I want to see some guy put Baby Ruths in his pockets and then jump off a building. That way when he hits the ground, candy goes flying everywhere!"

"Western religion is like a nice coat. When times are cold you wrap it around you. When times are warm, you take it off and hang it in your closet."

"You suck less than Marketing."
"I'm not sure that's something I want to wear a pin for."

"You're going to ruin my track record with Satan."

"Even if it is all in my head, it works!"

"No! I hardly have anything to do. If I put that on my list, I'll have something to do! I'll have a list! I won't do it!"

Excuse Me

I have to go put some more charcoal in the BBQ. My stove stopped working for some reason. Come to think of it, the lights don't work either. Thank goodness for battery powered computers.

Fek'Lar
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)

Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 2000 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.

Hey, you can subscribe to this rag by sending a message to majordomo@lowcomdom.com. On the first line of your letter type subscribe crapolla. Unsubscribing is the same, just change the command to unsubscribe crapolla

feed available from http://www.lowcomdom.com/crapolla/index.rss

<-- Read the previous Crapolla   or   Read the next Crapolla -->