A small-minded, evil person who randomly decides your fate in college, usually a student with a degree in sadism and too much time on their hands.
Tablet
A small table.
Taboo
Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.
Tackle
What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
Tackle Box
A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
Tact
That rare ability to remain silent while your two best friends are arguing and you know they're both wrong.
Tailor
An occupation that suits everyone.
Takes
A stroke count of how many times it takes the television director to get something right.
Talent
What everyone has but you.
Tar
(Southern) A rubber wheel.
Taste
Female Interpretation: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male Interpretation: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
Tattoo
Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Tatyr
A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Taxes
What the middle class pays the Government.
Taxidermist
A man who mounts animals.
Taxpayer
A person who resents that death and taxes don't come in that order.
A person who doesn't have to pass a civil servants exam in order to work for the government.
Teacher
A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
Team
A word missing an "i".
Tease
A girl who is always thnking of a man's happiness -- and how to prevent it.
Technical Support
A geographic area of the software company. It is located in the basement and is populated by trolls who are masters of Doom. The favorite game in Technical Support is "Penalty Hold."
Technocrat
A Geek with an attitude.
Technology
A progression of tools which become obsolete 30 seconds after you buy them.
Tee-See (T.C.)
Of or pertaining to the Twentieth Century, hence: behind the times, pre-post-postmodern, overly impressed by technology, generally uncool.
Telemarketer
A minimum waged person who calls a bunch of people on a list to sell them something that they probably don't need, and gets hung up on because the person being called usually has a mouth full of food.
Telephone Number Salary
A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
Televangelists
The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Television Audio
Never mind. Nobody cares about this.
Television Director
Somebody who can count backwards with authority and who owns a stopwatch.
Television Engineer
Not much is really known about these, since there are so few in captivity. They work from 9 to 5, Monday through Friday, and are not home on weekends. They also become invisible when called.
Television Producer
Someone who owns a digital stopwatch.
Television Programming
Material that fills the time between commercials.
Television Schedule
A system designed to maximize your enjoyment of Big Time Television by having you spend most of your waking hours there.
Temper Tantrums
What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Tempo
Good choice for a used car.
Ten Commandments
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
Tenure
A year after nineure.
Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport.
Test
The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.
A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.
Testicle
A humorous question on an exam.
Thesaurus
Ancient reptile with excellent vocabulary.
Thingy
Female Interpretation: Any part under a car's hood.
Male Interpretation: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
Third Trimester
The final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"
Thor
Skiers' lingo for the Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Thud
That magic sound that means your brilliant evil plan to conquer the world, wasn't so brilliant after all.
Thunderstorm
A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
Thursday
How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day.
Tijuana
The sister city of Marijuana.
Time
All you really have.
Timing Light
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
Tipping Point
When your bloated product falls over and crashes.
Tire
A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
Titillate
A tardy meal for a breast-fed baby.
Toe
A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.
Toilet Paper
The successor to the Hand, Leaf, and Corncob.
Tomorrow
One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
Tongue
A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Tootsie Roll
An edible turd.
Toothache
The pain that drives you to extraction.
Top Bunk
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Tough
A bit more than difficult.
Toupalactic
Another powerful birth control method which is based on the man wearing a wig so comical, sex is simply out of the question.
Tourists
Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Tousers
Pants one trouses in.
Toxic
A worker with anti-management reputation who is often litigious.
Trade Relations
What incestuous couples do at a family reunion.
Traffic
A department within the TV station with the collective IQ of granite whose function it is to generate the Program Log.
Tragedy
A bride without a can opener.
Trailer Parks
Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill.
Transistor
A girl who used to be your brother.
Transmitter
A big machine resembling an oversized refrigerator with meters. Standing close to a transmitter for more than one hour will cause your brian to malfunction. Standing close to a transmitter for more than two hours will turn you into a television engineer.
Transpositions
Men who wear dresses.
Transvestite
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
Traverse
To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. The second method is called "tree".
Treble
Women ain't nothin' but.
Treeware
Manuals and documentation.
Triple Bypass
Better than a quarterback sneak.
Trouble Light
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of Vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
Tuba
A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
