A person who gives a paralytic friend a self-winding wristwatch.
Safety Belt
The one you don't drink before driving home.
Salesmanship
The difference between rape and rapture.
Safe Sex
It's sex the wife doesn't find out about.
Salmon Day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Sarcasm
Quip lash.
Sarchasm
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Scandal
A breeze stirred up by a couple of windbags.
Scatologist
A guy who lost a bet in Med School.
Scheduled Release Date
In the software industry this carefully calculated date is determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
Schmooze
To befriend scum.
Schmuck
What everyone thinks a television director is.
School
A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for SPAM instead.
Score Pad
A bachelor's apartment.
Screwed
This guy has so much metal in his body, we take him to the local auto wrecking yard and give him rides on the magnet.
Scrotum
A small planet near Uranus.
Seagull Manager
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Seance
A meeting of a company's Executive staff.
Second Trimester
The time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"
Secret
Something you tell to one person at a time.
Secretion
Hiding anything.
Seed
(Southern) Past tense of "to see".
Semantics
Pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before Mass.
Sensafunativity
That personality trait which enables optimistic persons to see the humor of any given situation.
Seoul
The capital of South Korea which, incidentally, has more Parks per capita than any other city in the world.
Serendipity
Looking in a haystack for a needle and finding the farmer's daughter.
Server Farm
Where the computers come from.
Sex
The most fun you can have without laughing.
Sex, Aural
When you yell, "Fuck You!" at someone.
Sex Drive
Trying to find a motel that has a vacancy.
Shallowness
The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
Shebang
A girl who can't say no.
Sherbet
A tip on a horse race or sporting event.
Shin
The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.
Shit
Post-Food
Shitload
A relative unit of measure. Unlike units such as meters which can be quantified as to how far a photon travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458 of a second, the relative unit of measure will vary from person to person based on their diet. The scale looks something like this.
Buttload - A pantload and a half. An amount beyond containment.
Pantload - Two complete shitloads, equivalent to 2694 raises or 898 squats
Shitload - A very large quantity, equivalent to 1347 raises or 449 squats
Little - in fact the difference between little and damned little is too little to justify this space.
Damned Little - two squats, or five pittances, or 6 raises
Squat - Two and a half pittances, or three raises.
Pittance - a bit more than "You call this a raise?" but not much more.
You call this a Raise? - not worth mentioning at all.
Shotgun Wedding
A case of wife or death.
Show Off
A child who is more talented than yours.
Shower
A device where falling water is used to clean the human body, and which WASPs exit before peeing.
Sign
An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, restrooms, baggage claim, etc.
Siliwood
The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers also "hollywired".
Silk Worm
A gay invertibrate.
SITCOM
Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Skeleton
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Skeptic
One who won't take know for an answer.
Ski!
A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" -- which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
Skier
One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
A person who jumps to contusions.
Ski Stance
Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"
Slacker
Huh?
Slander
To lie about someone -- or tell the truth.
Slang
A language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.
The one stream of poetry which is continually flowing outward.
Sleet
A slipcover.
Slideware
Imaginary things contained in a glossy presentation, or as used by the Economist: "glowing overhead presentations given by software salesmen that rarely deliver what they seem to promise".
Slipcover
Maternity dress.
Slogan
A good old American substitute for the facts.
Our modern commercial replacement for quality.
A politician's banner, often changed, but always held high above the voters' brains.
Smart Ass
Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.
Smile
Something that adds to your face value.
To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.
Snap-On Gasket Scrapper
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
Snoutcasts
People who are banished from their workplace because of their smoking habit and huddle around outside doorways (snout is a prisoners' name for cigarettes).
Snow Job
Something a man uses to defrost a woman.
Soap
A device used to repel little boys from bath tubs, and which should never be dropped in a prison shower.
Sober
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
Soft Benefits
Nonmonetary enhancements.
Software
Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Son
The result of getting what you thought you wanted.
Sonata
What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
Spamshi
Spam eaten right out of the can.
Spears, Britney
The other White Trash.
Specialist
A learned person who can name a horse in nine languages and buys a cow to ride.
A doctor with fewer patients than his colleagues but with a bigger yacht.
Spice
The plural of spouse.
Spinster
An unlusted number.
Splintercourse
The sexual act in an outdoor setting.
Sport
The non-lethal alternative to war which, in most cases, involves kicking a ball, putting a ball into a goal, or possessing a ball. And, when fouled, holding your balls.
Sportscaster
A drooler who didn't make it.
Spring
A time when boys feel gallant and girls feel buoyant.
SQL Join Statement
Making your schema look like you actually thought it out.
Square Headed Girlfriend (boyfriend)
Computer
Squat
A relative unit of measure. Unlike units such as meters which can be quantified as to how far a photon travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458 of a second, the relative unit of measure will vary from person to person based on their diet. The scale looks something like this.
Buttload - A pantload and a half. An amount beyond containment.
Pantload - Two complete shitloads, equivalent to 2694 raises or 898 squats
Shitload - A very large quantity, equivalent to 1347 raises or 449 squats
Little - in fact the difference between little and damned little is too little to justify this space.
Damned Little - two squats, or five pittances, or 6 raises
Squat - Two and a half pittances, or three raises.
Pittance - a bit more than "You call this a raise?" but not much more.
You call this a Raise? - not worth mentioning at all.
Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Staccato
How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
Stagnation
A country of single men.
Star
A performer who makes more than his or her agent.
Starter Marriage
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
State-of-the-art
Any computer you can't afford.
Static Electricity
The fastest thing in the universe going nowhere.
Sterilize
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Stirrup
What you do with cake batter.
Stoic
De boid what brings de babies.
Storeroom
The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Strategy
A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization.
Stress
The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately deserves it.
When you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Stress Puppy
A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Strike
An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
Stupid
The "Gifted" one in the Marketing Department.
Stylish
The latest, slightly re-colored piece of crap we want you to buy. Next week, it will no longer be stylish. (See Fashion)
Subsidy
A town underneath another town.
Suburban Husband
A gardener with sex privileges.
Subwoofer
A dog who scuba dives.
Suicide
The sincerest form of self-criticism.
Summertime
The season where there's nothing much on TV OR on the girls at the beach.
Sun Bathing
A fry in the ointment.
Suntan
A pigment of your imagination.
SUP
Standard Unit of Pain.
Superego
That part of the psyche where the conscience keeps you from stealing candy from a small child. This comes from the moral training of society. Society -- it's always getting in the way!
Superstar
A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
Swiped Out
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Sympathy
What one woman offers another in exchange for the details.
Synergies
What companies look for when they merge. A synergy is a position where one person is required in the newly merged company, but since the merger two people occupy the position. The result of synergies are a layoffs.
Synonym
A word you use when you can't spell the other one.
Syntax
What you pay in Las Vegas.
Syntax Error
Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
System Administrator
The person responsible for ensuring that a company's computer facilities are unusable except for when they want to print out naked pictures or play exciting network games like "Doom".
