Items of clothing that newlyweds place beside the bed in case of fire.
Pandemonium
A housing development for pandas.
Panic
What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Pantload
A relative unit of measure. Unlike units such as meters which can be quantified as to how far a photon travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458 of a second, the relative unit of measure will vary from person to person based on their diet. The scale looks something like this.
Buttload - A pantload and a half. An amount beyond containment.
Pantload - Two complete shitloads, equivalent to 2694 raises or 898 squats
Shitload - A very large quantity, equivalent to 1347 raises or 449 squats
Little - in fact the difference between little and damned little is too little to justify this space.
Damned Little - two squats, or five pittances, or 6 raises
Squat - Two and a half pittances, or three raises.
Pittance - a bit more than "You call this a raise?" but not much more.
You call this a Raise? - not worth mentioning at all.
Paper
Tree squeezings.
Paper Clip
The primary tool of an engineer. Common uses are ejecting disks from locked up Macintoshes or CD-ROM drives that don't want to give you your CD back, testing batteries, and prying staples out of things that shouldn't have staples in them. Not to be used to hold paper together.
Parable
A heavenly story with no practical earthly meaning.
Paradise
Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon.
Paradox
Two physicians.
Paraffins
Found on the sides of fish.
Paralyze
Two far-fetched stories.
Two untruths.
Paranoid
A couple interrupted by a cop in lovers' lane.
Parasite
A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm, a biographer, or a reporter.
Park
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Pascal
A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Passenger (Airline)
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused, these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus and Paxus ignoramus.
Passing Tone
Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
Pathetic
Your pitiful attempt to buy a rare kosher double cheese burger with bacon in India.
Pathological
A reasonable way to go.
Patience
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Peeping Tom
A window fan.
Pencil
A tiny tree used to draw a line in the sand.
Penicillin
What to give a man who has everything.
Penis
The male sexual organ which, incidentally, can also be used to write one's name in snow.
People Churner
A bad boss who often is blamed when a company can't retain its key employees.
Percussive Maintenance
Striking a recalcitrant piece of computer hardware in order to facilitate a successful reboot, and repeating as necessary.
Perfect Fifth
A full bottle of Jack Daniels.
Perfect Wife
One who is deaf and dumb, over-sexed, and owner of a liquor store.
Performance
A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
Performance Review
The only week out of 52 where you pay attention to what your boss says.
Perky
A person not smart enough to realize it's Monday.
Perot
To quit unexpectedly, as in, "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
Pessimist/Optimist
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes so.
Pew
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
Pharmacist
Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture.
Ph. D.
A degree which causes the bearer to proceed from cocksure ignorance to thoughtful uncertainty.
Piled Higher and Deeper.
Philanthropist
A man who in his waning years of life gives away in public the fortune he stole in private.
Phillips Screwdriver
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
Philosophy
Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
A system of labeling and redefining our language to allow us to rescue the absurd.
Phone
Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
Physical Therapist
A Sadist with a job.
Physics
The operating system that runs the universe.
Piece de Resistance
A French virgin.
Pimp
A nookie-bookie.
Pitch
To grovel shamelessly.
Pittance
A relative unit of measure. Unlike units such as meters which can be quantified as to how far a photon travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458 of a second, the relative unit of measure will vary from person to person based on their diet. The scale looks something like this.
Buttload - A pantload and a half. An amount beyond containment.
Pantload - Two complete shitloads, equivalent to 2694 raises or 898 squats
Shitload - A very large quantity, equivalent to 1347 raises or 449 squats
Little - in fact the difference between little and damned little is too little to justify this space.
Damned Little - two squats, or five pittances, or 6 raises
Squat - Two and a half pittances, or three raises.
Pittance - a bit more than "You call this a raise?" but not much more.
You call this a Raise? - not worth mentioning at all.
Plant
An organism which converts dirt into yard work.
Play-Doh-Masochism
Sexual attraction to clay.
Poet
An individual so in love with language who can, for the sake of art, survive any hardship -- except a misprint.
Pogonophobia
The scientific term for fear of beards.
Poise
Raising only one eyebrow on your first trip to the nudist camp.
Pokemon
A Jamaican proctologist.
Political Moderator
A guy who makes enemies left and right.
Politics
From the greek POLY meaning many and TICKS meaning little blood sucking creatures.
Polyunsaturated
A dry parrot.
Porridge
Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Port
Fancy wine.
Portable Computer
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Position Closed
This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here."
Poster
An inexpensive way to decorate a dorm room while making people think you've been to foreign lands and done things you never have.
Postscript
Grafitti on a pole.
Potholder
What you don't want to be when the cops arrive.
Power User
Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
Practicle
The path of least resistance, as dull and unenlightening as that is.
Practical Nurse
One who falls in love with a wealthy patient.
Prairie Dogging
In companies where everyone has a cubicle, it's when something happens and everyone pops up to look.
Praise
Letting off esteem.
Pregnancy
Taking seriously something that was poked in fun.
Pregnant Pause
The amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.
Preheat
To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, in addition to when it is removed.
Prejump
Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.
Pre-Law
The major of a person who will end up in sales.
Premature Birth
One that occurs before the expectant parents are well traveled and filthy rich.
Prenatal
When your life was still your own.
Prepared Childbirth
A contradiction in terms.
Printer
A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Someone who can't write in cursive.
Priority
A statement of the importance of a user or program. Often expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly than someone else.
Prison Bling
Handcuffs
Procession
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
Procrastination
A method of work completion most often employed by students, it is taken to the level of an art form by its most adept practitioners. It requires good prioritization and time management skills, as well as a good relationship with a major deity (usually through frequent prayers and the occasional ritual sacrifice).
Proctologist
A Doctor with his head up your ass.
Production Values
Gore
Explosions
Program Log
A document, written in Sanskrit, which might give you a rough idea of what to do on the air, but usually doesn't.
Programmers
Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
Red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Progress
The process through which Usenet has evolved from smart people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of smart terminals.
Project Manager
The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Prompt
What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Prostitute
A busy body.
Protected Class
Rank and file employees with critical job skills.
Protein
An advocate of teen-agers rights.
Lady of the street too young to vote.
P.T.A.
Pigs, Trolls and Assholes
Public Library Building
The tallest building in town ... it has more stories than any other.
Puddle
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Puck
A small black disk used in ice hockey.
Last week's left-over biscuit.
Puritan
A man who no's what he likes.
Puritanism
The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be having a good time.
