New Stock Market Terms for 2009

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

Bull Market -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets nothing.

Value Investing -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker -- What my broker has made me.

Standard & Poor -- Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

Cash Flow -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Institutional Investor -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

Profit -- An archaic word no longer in use. As in "false prophet".