In The News ...

On the Road: "A study reveals that L.A. leads the nation in worst rush-hour traffic. Its residents spend 56 or more hours per year stuck in traffic. That's longer than some marriages last out there." (Ira Lawson)

Dubya Speaks: President Bush spoke on graduation day at Notre Dame, 15 months after appearing at Bob Jones University. Maybe he hopes to bring these two sides together -- if those folks in the Middle East would just calm down for about 20 years. (Richard Burkard/ http://www.LaughLine.com)

All the 'W's' Are There: The General Services Administration is challenging a claim made in the early days of the Bush administration. Inspectors found NO evidence that White House property was vandalized by Bill Clinton's staff! Apparently the W's were "stolen" from keyboards so we wouldn't spot a real WHOPPER. (Burkard)

Don't Yell Fire! The General Services Administration investigation didn't even find any signs of graffiti written on the White House walls. Apparently the Bush staff didn't realize the "exit" signs are there on purpose, for fire safety. (Burkard)

Car Race: The Indy 500 will be run on Sunday. This year's winning purse is larger than ever before. A free tank of gas. (Ray)

Thou Shalt Not...Charlton Heston, spokesman for American gun lovers, was elected to an unprecedented fourth term as president of the National Rifle Association today in Kansas City. The NRA's board of directors--composed of 76-members--elected Heston by unanimous acclaim. In the enusing 21-gun salute celebrating the Heston vote, the NRA reported five dead and 71 injured. (Marc Wallace)

Telling It All: "Mayor Giuliani's office made it public that the mayor is impotent. Don't you love politicians nowadays? They'll tell you they're impotent; they'll tell you they're sex addicts; I'm an alcoholic; I've smoked dope; I use crack. . . . But you ask them, 'What's your position on campaign finance reform?' [And they answer:] 'I don't feel it's appropriate to go into that right now. . . . I would rather hold back on my opinion on that.' " (Jay Leno)

Royal Remarks: Prince Philip denies reports that he believes Charles is too lazy to be king. The crown requires endurance. It takes a special someone to not tire of doing nothing all day. (Ray)

Mel's Tony: Mel Brooks shared the "Best Book of a Musical" award for "The Producers." He now has an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar AND a Tony! About the only challenge left for Brooks is to record an album of country music.... (Burkard)