Snow White Remake

(Los Angeles) Today, Disney executives announced plans to remake the classic animated film "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" with a more modern theme. According to a spokesperson for Disney, "'Snow White' is beginning to show her age. We want to make a picture that speaks to today's audience. And what's with that voice, anyway?"

As the studio gears up for the intensive task of producing a full-length animated feature, several treatments of the old fairy tale are being considered:

"Snow White and the Seven Persyns of Alternate Stature." An open-minded persyn, who, despite hir name, is racially neutral, sets forth on an adventure in a federally protected forest where sie encounters Gay, Mentally Challenged, Differently Wakeful, Nasally Sensitive, Testosterone Poisoned, Introverted, and Health Care Professional.

"Prince White and the Seven Dwarfettes." A young and handsome prince flees his evil stepmother, taking refuge in a small cottage in the woods inhabited by Crampy, Trampy, Dizzy, Dingy, Bitchy, Frigid, and Dyke.

"Snow White and the Seven Porno Vixens." A XXX feature in which a young, inexperienced princess is introduced to the ways of carnal pleasure by Candi, Randi, Bambi, Bunni, Laci, Misti, and Dominique.

"We're not sure, yet, which avenue we want to pursue," another Disney spokesperson told reporters at a press conference early Friday. "We'd like to get as much mileage out of the Southern Baptist Convention as we possibly can." It was then revealed that Ellen DeGeneres was being considered to provide the voice for beleaguered princess.

When asked to comment, a spokesman for the Southern Baptist Convention made strangling noises, while veins stood out on his neck.