In The News ...

Heston Hero: Charlton Heston has been reelected to an unprecedented fourth term as head of the NRA. He ran on a familiar theme. If you outlaw guns, only rap stars will have guns. (Alan Ray)

Jackson Toyota: Jessie Jackson is threatening a boycott of Toyota. His demand is always constant. He wants equal opportunity for every man, woman, and mistress. (Ray)

Sox Sale: The Boston Red Sox are for sale. This organization is a lot like a theme park. After Labor Day, the business usually shuts down for the season. (Ray)

Old Timer: The oldest living human has passed away in Paris at 115. In her scrapbook were notes from her contemporaries. "Thinking of you, Mike Wallace." (Ray)

On the Average...: "According to a new study, it takes the average-income family 23 weeks to buy the average-priced car. Of course, the bad new is it now takes 25 more weeks before they can put gas in it." (Jay Leno)

Got Mint?: "The tobacco companies are now planning to start marketing a mint that is 60% tobacco and contains as much nicotine as a cigarette. That's a great idea. Now people can start dying from secondhand breath too." (Leno)

This just in: "A Seattle doctor says evidence now suggests Mozart died from trichinosis, caused by eating undercooked pork. Not only did the bad meat kill the composer, it also made for an intense final movement." (Jim Barach - WTVH Syracuse, NY)

Taking Care of Business: "Women in Ivy League schools are selling their eggs, each one bringing in the price of a semester's tuition. By the time they graduate, they could be responsible for the births of eight babies, making them eligible for the NBA draft." (Barach)

Video Galore: A big video game trade show is going on in Los Angeles. Bilingual compatibility is the big trend. Kids can now waste time in several different languages. (Ray)

Great Heights: "According to a new study, tall men have more children. Not only do they have more children, they usually have children with more than one woman. Finally, a scientific explanation for the NBA." (Jay Leno)

New Aspirations?: "Former Atty. Gen. Janet Reno is talking about running for governor in Florida. Reno is so unpopular in the state of Florida, they will not even need to use the crooked voting machines." (David Letterman)