In The News ...

Dutch Virus: A fiercely contagious computer virus from Holland, which connects its victims to a series of pornographic websites, is spreading faster than the "Lovebug". Yet, again it is clear that lust is more powerful than love. (Miguel Alonso)

Dumb Detectives: Big changes in store at the U.S. Justice Department. How many FBI agents does it take to put in a new light bulb? None, they only screw up investigations. (Alan Ray)

People's House: The White House has cut back the number of tours by visitors. The president doesn't want folks toiling around the grounds for any length of time. That's his job. (Ray)

The governor of Washington has called for anti bullying legislation for the state's schools. Interesting, but I've only got one question: If there are no bullies in school, where are the future Republicans coming from? (Williams)

FBI Ignorance: Things are not going well over at the FBI. You can tell confidence in the Bureau is at an all time low. Yesterday, the Russians demanded their spy money back. (Ray)

Age Gap: "According to the New York Post, Hugh Hefner has a new girlfriend. She's only 17! . . . How creepy is that? . . . I guess he's on Viagra and she's on Flintstones vitamins." (Jay Leno)

Brains and Beauty: "People magazine named Laura Bush as one of the 50 most beautiful people and President Bush is quoted as saying he already knew that. . . . The President's exact quote was: 'I don't need People magazine to tell me what's going on. I need Dick Cheney to tell me what's going on.' " (Conan O'Brien)

Drink It Up: "A recent study by the World Wildlife Fund reveals that bottled water is not any safer--or healthier-- than tap water, just more expensive. This announcement has triggered residents of Beverly Hills to go out and buy thousands of bottles of tap water." (Jimmy Fallon)

Safety Park: Disneyland will hire full-time paramedics. This is a safety feature for attendees. People sometimes faint when they get a look at admission prices. (Ray

He's Back: "Variety reports that a sequel to 'American Psycho' is in the works. The paper says 'American Psycho II' begins production next month. . . . We knew Ross Perot would make a comeback; we just didn't think it would be in Hollywood." (Argus Hamilton)