In The News ...

Gas Crisis: White House aides said Monday President Bush is "very concerned" about rising gas prices. In fact, he'll show his personal concern by not driving to and from work anymore....(Burkard)

Puff Love: Sean Puffy Combs still has a thing for Jennifer Lopez. He has never met anyone like her. She can light up a room without carrying a firearm. (Alan Ray)

Weird Facts: A study has found that coffee drinkers lead more active sex lives. Argus Hamilton has the explanation: "For one thing, they're awake."

"The Republicans defeated the Democrats in their annual baseball game," says Jay Leno. "The game raised a lot of money for charity. Plus, the home plate umpire took home $5,000 in bribes."

"The Senate committee's findings of illegal campaign financing activities raises a shocking question in our society: 'This is new to them?'" (Ray)

The other day, Congressman Joe Kennedy and his son had a minor mishap with some illegal fireworks. When asked about it, Kennedy said, "We're trying to find alternatives to alcohol and underage women." -- Conan O'Brien

Our Favorite Government Agency: The California Department of Motor Vehicles says as many as 250 employees may be involved in a phony driver's license scandal. "Two hundred fifty employees? I didn't know DMV even had 250 employees." (Steve Voldseth)

The DMV fired 24 workers calling them rogue clerks. "You know what a rogue clerk is, don't you?" asks Bill Williams. "He's one who says, 'You're in the wrong line, but I'll help you anyway.'"

Hofstra University will host 50,000 academics at a three-day conference to examine the career of Frank Sinatra, says Mills. "Leading economists will decide once and for all just which corporation he is chairman of the board of."

Airlines have balked at the FAA suggestion that they fill empty fuel tanks with inert gas, says Williams. "I don't know about the others, but that's where American and Delta employees put their cocaine."

Postmaster General Marvin Runyon says the post office will make a $1-billion profit for the third straight year, says Jerry Perisho. "One-billion-dollar profit. Next thing you know, Bill Gates will buy it."

McDonald's had the biggest management shake-up in its history, which included the departure of three top executives. "It was pathetic how they did it -- pink slips in their Happy Meals." (Brian J. Hill)