In The News ...

Bush Brains: President Bush has put forward his energy plan. He's in favor of allowing oil companies to exploit more untapped resources. Consumer wallets. (Alan Ray)

Cigs Up: Philip Morris is raising the price of its cigarettes 12 cents per pack. This is changing the tobacco landscape dramatically. Smokers are now being forced to find cheaper ways to get cancer. (Ray)

Cheney Change: Income tax returns out of the White House show Dick Cheney made 36 million dollars last year. Of course, now his money is like his relationship with the president. It's in a blind trust. (Alan Ray)

Tax Man Commeth: Vice President Cheney's income from the oil industry last year was $36-million dollars!!! Now we know who gets that 9/10ths of a cent on every gallon! (Ed Gullo)

The Wrong Look: "The other day, a Hillary Rodham Clinton look-alike tried to get into Bill Clinton's new office in Harlem--which is ridiculous, because if a woman wants to get into his office, the last thing she should do is pretend she's Hillary." (Conan O'Brien)

Snooze Workout: "According to the American Medical Assn., sleeping less has been linked to big guts on men. They say getting more quality sleep creates lean tissue. So, women, the next time you see your guy sprawled out on the couch all weekend, he's working out." (Jay Leno)

Loveless Marriage: "According to a Zogby poll, President Bush's approval rating is sinking. Experts say it looks like the honeymoon between Bush and the American people is over. Unfortunately, unlike real marriages, the American people can't file for divorce." (Ira Lawson)

Tabloid Trash: A tabloid is reporting actor Woody Harrelson is set to unveil hemp milk this summer. The long-time pot advocate says the ad campaign for the new beverage will use the tagline, "Got Buzz?" (Rhody)

Tabloid Tell-All: True tabloid headline of the week: "SHAQ: MY AFFAIR WITH CINDY CRAWFORD!" (The Star) It turns out Shaquille O'Neal started this tabloid talk, by telling a Los Angeles radio station he had sex with Cindy Crawford after she split from Richard Gere. It's just like these basketball players - always doing things on the rebound. (Richard Burkard/ http://www.LaughLine.com)

He Lied: "Entertainment Tonight" went to Shaquille O'Neal himself over the weekend, and asked about the Cindy Crawford sex story. He now DENIES it, and admits he lied on the radio. O'Neal can expect a call from Dennis Rodman, offering to give him a summer clinic. (Burkard)