In The News ...

Happy Nuptials: Sources say 22-year-old Nikki Cox-- the bombshell star of "Unhappily Ever After" and her own W-B series, "Nikki"-- is engaged to 38-year-old, loudmouthed comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. -- This gives hope to lots of men who, so far, haven't had much luck with women: dead guys. -- Memo to Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie: you now have some serious competition in the "How long 'til they're divorced" department. (Patrick M. Rhody)

Rumor of the Day: There are rumors that actor Anthony Hopkins is dating Martha Stewart. I think it might be true. When asked to confirm the story, Anthony turned three shades of magenta. (Voldseth)

In a recent interview: Hugh Hefner says he believes men should date women half their age plus seven years. In a related story, today Strom Thurmond was seen having a romantic, candlelit dinner with no one. (Voldseth)

Discovering Nature: Watching the Discovery channel last week, and they had this show about mocking birds. They were telling how mocking birds steal songs from other birds. I didn't know they had Napster. (Jay Leno)

This is War: An airline-online war erupted Thursday. Northwest Airlines and KLM announced they'll no longer pay commissions to Internet travel agents, such as "Travelocity." Apparently the airlines are trying to move from "e-ticket" to "e-limination." (Burkard)

Handlers: Word is that "Don Johnson's handlers" --publicist Elliot Mintz and lawyer Ronald Litz--were originally partners in a firm with two other guys named Schlitz and Lipschitz, but they had to disband the outfit when they couldn't find anyone to answer their phones. (Marc Wallace)

The pentagon is developing a top secret, non-lethal weapon that uses electromagnetic energy to heat but not permanently injure human skin. --The super secret military project has been codenamed (the) "Sun." --In a related story, today, the Chinese stole George Hamilton. (Voldseth)

In Lebanon, the family of a five-year-old boy is attempting to get him in the Guinness book of records for being the world's youngest smoker. --If successful, the award would be the family's second Guinness world record, the first being "World's Stupidest Parents." (Voldseth)

July 3, 2001: Dick Cheney did NOT have a heart attack today.

July 4: Dick Cheney did NOT have a heart attack again today.

July 5: Dick Cheney thought he had chest pains today.

July 6: Dick Cheney did have chest pains today, but he did NOT have a heart attack.

July 7: Dick Cheney entered the hospital today, but only as a precautionary measure.

July 8: Dick Cheney was buried today but he did NOT die of a heart attack. It was only a precautionary measure.

July 9: Colin Powell was appointed Vice President of the United States today. President Bush did complain of chest pains. (Marc Wallace)

Monica Mouths: Monica Lewinsky will work on a documentary for HBO about her affair with Bill Clinton. The network wants a full accounting of the details. Blow by blow. (Ray)