In The News ...

Rumor Of The Day: The big show business rumor is, that Tom Cruise is already dating Michael Jackson's former wife, Lisa Marie Presley. Asked if she would consider becoming Mrs. Tom Cruise, Lisa Marie said, "No thanks, one pretend marriage is enough for me." (Steve Voldseth)

According to CNN: A new survey reveals that teens raised by "hands-on" parents are less likely to drink and smoke. On the downside, the survey also revealed that teenagers raised by "hands-on" parents are more likely to marry Woody Allen. (Voldseth)

It Was This Week: In 1889 that North and South Dakota were admitted into the Union-- and quickly forgotten. (Voldseth)

Double This: The Los Angeles Times newspaper announced that it is doubling the price of its newspaper. In a related story, the National Enquirer announced it would remain the same price, but do 20 percent less "enquiring." (Voldseth)

Dead Man Not Walking: In San Francisco, a dead body was found in the wheel well of a U-S Airways jet which had arrived from London. The man had apparently stowed away in the center well, which is about 15 feet wide and 20 feet long. -- The airline promises the man's family they'll return his luggage as soon as they find it. -- An area 15 feet wide by 20 feet long? In San Francisco, a place that big will go for 2-grand a month, easy. (Patrick M. Rhody - PMRhody@aol.com)

Didya hear the latest "Bushism?:" During a speech on education in Tennessee Wednesday, our President said: "You teach a child to read, and he or HER will be able to pass a literacy test." The literacy test, yes. The GRAMMAR test, obviously not. (Burkard)

Dubya: President Bush said--quote--'there's a warning light flashing on the dashboard of our economy'. Also --the toilet handle needs jiggling in the executive washroom of our overseas trade policy. (Toms Lake)

Happy Birthday Little Prince: Michael Jackson's son, Prince Michael Jackson Junior turned 4 yesterday.

--And I thought this was nice. As a gift from his father, Prince got a whole new set of emotional baggage.

--Michael threw his son a huge birthday sleepover party and the highlight of the party was a giant pinata filled with hush money.

--I don't think young Prince got his wish. After blowing out his candles, the rest of the Jackson family was still there. (Voldseth)

And this, seen on E-bay: For Sale - One genuine Oval Office paper weight. $1,000,000. Includes pardon. (Bill Williams ö acmehumor@aol.com)