In The News ...

Deep Regret: Utah Senator, Orrin Hatch, said he regrets his cameo role in the movie "Traffic," which features nudity, sex, drug use and profane language. Hatch went on to say he also regrets his cameo role in the administration "Clinton," for the same reasons. (Steve Voldseth)

Aussie Trouble: An Australian couple is in trouble for naming their children Kitchen, Bedroom and Garage after the rooms where they were conceived. --On a personal note--Uncle Bob's Buick--I guess it's true, mom always did like you best. (Voldseth)

Physically Fit: In an interview, actress Angelina Jolie says she is getting into physical shape for her next role by having lots of sex. Ironically, her next role is performing CPR on her husband, Billy Bob Thornton. (Voldseth)

No Harvard Degree: It has been revealed that Mexico's president Vincente Fox did not graduate from Harvard, or even attend Harvard. What he did was attend a lecture by a Harvard professor. It was an unfortunate "mistake" of his publicist....So, ohmygod, we are so shocked! What next, finding out Juan Valdez uses a tractor instead of a burro? (Bill Williams ö acmehumor@aol.com)

Ice Planet: Some astronomers now believe Pluto is mostly ice. They argue that it should not be considered a planet. Instead it should be reclassified as Minnesota. (Alan Ray)

Coach With The Most: Former Miami Hurricanes coach, Butch Davis, got a five-year, $15 million contract to coach the Cleveland Browns making him one of the highest-paid coaches in the country. Actually, the highest paid coach in the country? Keanu Reeves' acting coach. (Steve Voldseth)

Gov. Arnold: Arnold Schwarzenegger, reportedly "shocked by California's current energy crisis" says he may oppose incumbent Gray Davis in the upcoming gubernatorial election. Arnold's solution to the statewide power shortage? Steroids. (Marc Wallace)

Score!: "Three baggage handlers in Minnesota were suspended by Northwest Airlines for tossing packages over their heads, behind their backs, high into the air and into a bin like basketballs. The Clippers are hoping to sign the three men immediately." (Gary Greenfield)

Write On: "Former Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight has sold his memoirs for $1.25 million. Actually, Knight won't write the book himself. He'll just scream it at the ghost writer." (Conan O'Brien)

What's in a Name: "According to Social Security records, Michael and Hannah were the year's most popular names for baby boys and girls. And the least favorite names: Saddam and Kathie Lee." (Andrew Wisot)

Sweet 16: Britain debates a couple's decision to give their daughter breast implants as a 16th birthday present. Talk about cultural differences. If this were in America, she would be under contract with Disney. (Ray)