In The News...

Safe and Sound: A hostage situation ended peacefully yesterday after four armed robbers broke into an L.A. Target store and held 60 employees at gunpoint. Reaction from Target shoppers everywhere were unanimous: "What's a Target employee?" (Steve Voldseth)

Child Study: Federal investigators suspended a National Institute of Health research study involving almost 200 healthy children after it was determined the study posed a larger risk to the children than is allowed by law. Officials say it could be the worst case of child endangerment in the United States since Woody Allen. (Voldseth)

Dot.com This: After being filthy rich for months, startup Dot-com companies are failing right and left. It has gotten so bad in Silicon Valley that nerds are actually bending down to pickup dropped hundred dollar bills! (Bill Williams/ acemehumor@aol.com)

Washington Distillery: A historical society is restoring George Washington's distillery. It's an unusual memorabilia from a president. About the only thing like it is George Bush's senior year in college. (Ray)

Keeps Going and Going and Going: Fox staged its "Ultimate Auction" of rare items Thursday night. The first item on the block was the skeleton of a dinosaur, that's presumed to be 65 million years old. One of the first bidders was Senator Strom Thurmond, who wanted a memory of his childhood. (Burkard)

Bye-Bye Britney: NBC's "Friday Night" video showcase, hosted by Rita Sever, has been canceled by the network due to low ratings. The cancellation came as bad news to absolutely no one. (Steve Voldseth)

Some sad news: Dr. Frank J. Orland, the man who discovered the relationship between bacteria and tooth decay, has passed away at the age of 83.

Upon hearing the news, today, millions of British people said, "Who?"

His memorial service was attended by 4 out of 5 dentists.

In accordance with his last wishes, the funeral will be "open-wide" casket. (Steve Voldseth)

(According to his last wishes,) Orland will be buried in a pearl-white coffin and then packed into a six-foot deep cavity. (Voldseth)

Author Author: Dr. David Reuben, the author of "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex", is 67 years old, today. In honor of the occasion, he's written a new book, "Everything You Always Wanted to Remember About Sex." (Voldseth)

Active Action: A researcher says sex 3-4 times a week reduces the risk of heart attacks in men. The scientist admits the study is far from over. He must now convince his wife. (Ray)