In The News ...

In double-wide news: Tonya Harding is back together with her boyfriend. I understand Tonya and her guy spent their first night together, out-on-the-town, doing a little clubbing. (Voldseth)

Survey Says: A new survey shows that among high school seniors, 33 percent lack even a basic understanding of how our government works.

Asked to comment, George W. Bush said, "Another third and that's nearly half." (Voldseth)

Canadian Air: Canadians went to the polls on Monday. Their democratic process is somewhat similar to the U.S. They didn't elect a president up there either. (Alan Ray)

Music City: In Nashville, a collection of wooden Christmas figures was stolen from the front lawn of country singer George Jones. Police are on the lookout for a punch line to a Jeff Foxworthy joke. (Voldseth)

In Music News: The Beatles song, "1," is No. 2 in this week's Top Ten. When George W. Bush heard this, his head exploded. (Voldseth)

Juiceman: O.J. Simpson was involved in an altercation with a Florida motorist who says he flashed his lights at O.J. after seeing O.J. run through a stop sign. O.J. says he ran the stop sign because he was late for work at the "Searching for the Real Killers" office. (Steve Voldseth)

Sad Story: Irene Krone, co-founder of the Stop Traffic Offenses Program has died in a car crash in Martinique. Ms. Krone was reportedly driving under the influence of irony. (Voldseth)

OJ Altercation: O.J. Simpson allegedly attacked a motorist in Miami. The ex-NFL star says it was all a misunderstanding. He simply mistook the guy for one of his old girlfriends. (Ray)

Crying Wolf: A 9-year-old Tennessee boy is in juvenile court on charges he made over 90 calls to 911. Officials say it's the most 911 calls made by a 9-year-old boy since Michael Jackson stopped dating. (Voldseth)

Sexist Store: A Chinese department store is giving away a free TV set to the woman with the biggest breasts. Appropriately, it'll be an HDoubleDTV. (Voldseth)

Charity Event: Former cast members of "Gilligan's Island" announced plans today to auction off mementos from the show and donate the proceeds to charity. The name of the charity: Former Cast Members of "Gilligan's Island." (Steve Voldseth)

Happy B-Day: Woody Allen turned 65 on Friday. Soon Yi spent the whole day in the Hallmark store looking for a "Happy Birthday to the World's Greatest Husband / Dad" card. (Voldseth)

Downey Down: Robert Downey Junior has been so successful on "Ally McBeal", Fox plans to spin him off into a new show. "Cops." (Ray)