In The News ...

Obit: Joseph A. Ball, main author of the Warren Report conclusion that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in the assassination of JFK has passed away at the age of 97. A memorial service in his honor will be held Saturday at 1 PM in a local chapel...followed by another one seconds later on a nearby grassy knoll. (Steve Voldseth)

Recall: The Ford Motor Company is voluntarily recalling more than 350,000 Focus subcompacts because of three different factory defects. In a related story, the Supreme Court ruled today, that it is now illegal to shout "Ford" on a crowded freeway. (Steve Voldseth)

Patent Pending: It was 130 years ago today that sandblasting was first patented.

--Although, thanks to itself, it doesn't look a day over 50.

--Thanks to sandblasting, many century-old structures look as good as they did 50 years ago, which also explains Cher. (Voldseth)

Queen Visits: Queen Elizabeth visited the pope in the Vatican the other day. Talk about different worlds. One is celibate, not close to family, and out of touch with the secular world. The other is a religious leader. (Ray)

Cleara Sale: Proctor and Gamble is selling Clearasil to a British company for 340 million dollars. The actual transaction should be swift. The makers of the acne cream hope to bring final preparations to a head within 4-6 days. (Ray)

Sick-o: In Missouri, there's a serial toe sucker on the loose. This slimeball persuades women to remove their shoes--then he pounces on their feet and sucks their toes. Police are looking for a man of average height with brown hair and athlete's lip. TOMS LAKE HUMOR COMPANY http://www.tomslake.com

Happy B-Day Bob: Former Indiana University coach, Bobby Knight, is 60 today. If you haven't gotten Bobby a gift yet, you can't go wrong with a longer fuse. (Voldseth)

Look For The Union Label: Today is the 60th anniversary of the 40-hour workweek. You know what Kathie Lee Gifford calls a 40-hour workweek? Monday. (Voldseth)

Rapper Loose: Rapper Old Dirty Bastard has busted out of a drug rehab facility. Police have issued an APB for ODB. Authorities consider him armed and extremely vulgar. (Alan Ray)

Cease Fire???: Finally, there's a cease-fire in the Middle East. And do you know what that means?....Re-loading. (Bill Williams/ acmehumor@aol.com)