In The News ...

No Exit: European scientists have developed a device that (they say) can accurately predict whether or not a crowd will stampede for the exits: A movie marquee with the words "Kevin Costner" on it. (Steve Voldseth)

Texas Executes: Texas has executed yet another inmate. The state can expect legal action soon. Tobacco companies may sue for trademark infringement. (Ray)

How Cold Is It? An early cold snap sent temperatures lower again today across much of the southern United States. In fact, it was so cold--

--In Arkansas, Paula Jones had to stop and put snow chains on her house.

--It's so cold, in Fort Lauderdale, they're having wet pullover contests.

--In New Orleans, temperatures dropped so low, drug dealers were only selling hot, buttered crack.

--At a rally in Alabama, Pat Buchanan was clicking his boot heels together just to stay warm.

--At Disney World, they added an eight dwarf: Goosepimply.

--In Tennessee, it got so cold, even the Republicans were applauding when Al Gore said it was 20 degrees warmer than it really was. (Steve Voldseth)

When The Saints Come Marching In: A monastery in Cyprus wants to bestow sainthood status to a monk whose body remains mysteriously un-decomposed since his death more than 11-years ago. Topping the list of possible names: Saint Cher. (Voldseth)

Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds: It was on this day in 1966 that LSD was ruled illegal. Or as Dennis Hopper calls it "The Day the Wallpaper Stopped Singing Show Tunes." (Voldseth)

Iceberg of Titanic Proportion: An iceberg 10 times the size of Manhattan Island has broken free from the Antarctica Ice Shelf. Scientists fear that the introduction of the giant ice chunk into ocean waters could result in higher sea levels and the return of that crappy Celine Dion song. (Voldseth)

Kathy Back: Kathy Lee Gifford has signed on for a made-for-TV movie on E! Entertainment. It's a tear jerker from the very first scene. The opening credits begin with "starring Kathy Lee Gifford". (Ray)

Just Say No: The British government is spending $87 million on a campaign to promote virginity. In a related story, tourism in England is down 100 percent. (Steve Voldseth)