In The News ...

UPS Service: UPS is considering getting into the passenger business. It would be a completely new venture for them. They've never lost anything that big. (Alan Ray)

Gambling Youth: A report says youth gambling is up dramatically. There is a positive side to this trend. Fewer and fewer of them are asking "why do we need math?". (Ray)

Going Postal: After 5 years in the black, the Post Office says they lost $300 million last year. In these modern times they just can't compete anymore. They can't beat the Internet anymore for mass mailings, and they can't beat Texas anymore for mass killings. (Williams)

Dot.com This: High-tech yuppies in San Francisco are getting so desperate for parking they are paying up to $1 million for a garage. One computer nerd is so rich his garage door opener is Bob Villa. (Williams)

18 Minute Gap: The National Archives is trying to restore the missing eighteen and one-half minutes from the Nixon tapes. All they've been able to decipher so far is, "No. Why would I want an intern in the Oval Office?" (Bill Williams/ acmehumor)

Remembering Pierre: Pierre Trudeau may be remembered best in Canada for the "Official Languages Act." It requires everything from government services to cereal boxes to include both English and French. Despite all that, Canada still does NOT have English muffins made of French bread! (Burkard)

Happy Birthday: Bryant Gumbel turned 52. --If you haven't gotten Bryant a gift yet, you can't go wrong with a mirror. --At his party, Bryant was shocked and surprised when 100 of his closest friends jumped out from behind his ego. (Steve Voldseth)

Hollywood Tones: Hollywood execs say they are trying to tone down violent movies aimed at children. Meanwhile, production on the Barney Witch Project is set to begin next week. (Ray)

Depends: Doctors at a German university say they have uncovered evidence that wearing disposable diapers may cause male infertility. Oh, yeah? Then how do you explain Michael Douglas? (Steve Voldseth)

Airline News: United Airlines representatives held a two- hour labor talk with 25,000 flight attendants in Chicago yesterday. Unfortunately, not much was settled during the meeting with the attendants as most of it was spent saying "hello" and "bye-bye." (Voldseth)

In other airline news: Baggage handlers for United Airlines' baggage system at Denver International Airport went on strike today. Apparently the airline was prepared for the strike (because)--after the workers walked out, United was back to crushing and losing suitcases within minutes. (Voldseth)

Coslet Quits: Bruce Coslet has quit as coach of the Cincinnati Bengals. Word is he may seek a career change. He wants to work in professional football. (Ray)