In The News ...

Bite The Bullet: If you send $25 to the NRA you get back a bullet autographed by Charlton Heston. Sounds creepy, but think about it. If you hate bad acting this is a gift from the Gods.. Finally, a bullet with Charlton Heston's name on it! (Bill Williams)

Increased Ratings: The ratings for 'Live With Regis' have increased dramatically since Kathie Lee decided to stay home. Most of those new viewers are Frank Gifford's girlfriends who suddenly have time to watch TV. (http://www.tomslake.com)

Frightening But True: Hey, want to drive Ralph Nader crazy? Put some Firestone tires on a Corvair. (Williams)

Texas Execution: Another execution is scheduled in Texas. Prison officials are considering faster means of capital punishment. Future inmates may be given flights on the Concorde. (Ray)

Newt's Nuptials: Newt Gingrich has married for the third time to his former political aide. In his vows, he promised to be faithful to the end. Of the month. (Ray)

Monica, Monica, Monica: In his new book, Boris Yeltsin brags he knew Bill Clinton had a problem with Monica Lewinsky before anybody else knew. Big deal. The whole world knew Boris had a problem with alcohol before Boris knew. TOMS LAKE HUMOR COMPANY http://www.pris.bc.ca/tomslake

What A Concept: In Britain, a strip club has asked for permission to allow blind customers to touch the dancers. Not to be outdone-- Pamela Anderson is bringing out a Braille poster. (Toms Lake)

Unbelievable: Al Gore admits he was once in a 12-step program designed to help people who exaggerate and embellish their achievements. Well--actually--it was a 9-step program. (Toms Lake)

This Just In: At a hearing looking into this summer's series of deaths caused by the West Nile virus, today, the mosquito believed to be responsible for the deaths claimed he was innocent and that he saw a one-winged housefly leaving the scene of the crime. (Voldseth)

No Wine Before Its Time: Wal-Mart is now selling its own brand of wine. They say it's best when served with green checkered shorts and a purple velour shirt. (Williams)