In The News ...

Shields Stalker: A long time stalker of Brooke Shields has been sentenced to probation. He's not allowed to get within 100 yards of her. As a result, he may now become a casting agent. (Ray)

Life Without Kathie: The ratings numbers for daytime TV are in and the audience for "Live with Regis" WITHOUT Kathie Lee Gifford is up 26 percent from last year! This apparently means Frank Gifford wasn't the only one turning a back on her! (Tongue twister of the day: Regis's ratings are really remarkable!) (Burkard)

Chelsea Love: Chelsea Clinton reportedly is going out with a fellow Stanford undergraduate. This takes her father back to the time when he was on the dating scene. It was Tuesday. (Alan Ray)

Busted: '80s pop singer Rick Springfield was arrested in Malibu Monday night on suspicion of spousal assault. Asked to comment, Rick said, "Hey, whaddya know? I CAN get arrested in this town." (Steve Voldseth)

Shortage: Red Cross officials in Los Angeles today, are reporting a critical shortage of blood. In a joint statement to the press, today, Charles Manson, Lyle and Erik Menendez and O.J. Simpson said, "Don't blame us." (Voldseth)

Smog City: Houston is the smog capitol of the USA. It's so bad, the "Yellow Rose of Texas" is now known as the "Brown Rose of Texas." But they have come up with a plan to lower pollution. Every death row inmate will be required, just before getting the lethal injection, to take a really big breath - and hold it. (Bill Williams/ acmehumor)

Love Letters: Nancy Reagan published a book of Ronnie's love letters....It proved so popular that Hillary is planning on publishing Bill's love letters. But strangely, they all seem to be written on the back of old dry-cleaning receipts. (Williams)

Geraldo In Love: Rumor has it that Geraldo Rivera is dating "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire" bride Darva Conger....Or is he dating Kato Kalin - I can't remember which. I might have gotten my 15 minutes mixed up. (Williams)

A Star Wasn't Born: The idea behind "Confessions" was to show real taped comments by criminals confessing to crimes, either at police stations or in courtrooms. Try as they might, they simply couldn't persuade O.J. Simpson to be the host! (Burkard)

Lovers Leave: Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher have broken up. The palimony proceedings could get very messy. They both seek full custody of David Crosby's sperm. (Ray)