In The News ...

DANGER! Several recent reports say there may be a radiation risk from cell phones. And the good news is: Tobacco companies have discovered a cloud of cigarette smoke around your head can help prevent cell phone radiation from reaching your brain. (http://www.tomslake.com)

Loyal Larkin: Barry Larkin has said "no" to a trade to the New York Mets. His reasons for remaining with the Cincinnati Reds are very personal. He likes having his Octobers off. (Alan Ray)

Energy Wanted: Engineers at the University of South Florida have invented a robot that converts sugar cubes to electrical energy. Their next project is to figure a way to tap Marlon Brando. He's got enough sugar in him to power New York City for a year! (Bill Williams/ acmehumor@aol.com)

The Cost of Doing Business in Cuba: Cuban baseball player Andy Morales has successfully fled Cuba and been given asylum in the US. He paid $5,000 for the boat ride over....That's typical! He spends $5,000 to leave, and we spend $100,000 million to get Elian back in! (Williams)

Not Endangered: The Wildlife Service is considering taking the Bald Eagle off the endangered species list....But don't worry, they're still covered. Now they are on the Hair Club for Men list. (Bill Williams/ acmehumor)

Old Age: Scientists in California are predicting some day we will live to be 200. Well, except for those of us who are destined to date OJ. (Williams)

Survivor: In Tokyo, they've canceled the Japanese version of 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' because of low ratings. The Japanese version of 'Survivor' was also a flop. Japanese people eat sushi every day of their lives. Watching Survivor contestants eat a rat just made them jealous. (Toms Lake)

Firestone Fury: The state of Texas has scheduled yet another execution. This time officials won't employ lethal injection. Instead, they'll give the inmate a brand new set of Firestone tires. (Ray)

Calling All Aliens: Billionaire Paul Allen helped found Microsoft--he's donating eleven and a half million dollars to the search for extra-terrestrial life. Allen believes we should be able to detect radio waves from a distant planet. Well yeah--sure. Detecting radio waves from a distant planet is easy. The tricky part is being the 15th caller and winning the prize. (http://www.tomslake.com)