In The News ...

Big Bonus: To keep their pilots out of the hand's of commercial aviation, the Navy is offering them a $245,000 bonus to sign for a 25-year hitch. And to sweeten the pot: Complete Tailhook immunity. (Bill Williams/ acmehumor)

Survey Says: The latest Polk Survey shows 65 percent of all sports cars are now purchased by people age 50 and older! "That's right Mr. Olsen, it goes from 0 to 60 in four seconds and those are genuine Depends (tm) seats!" (Jim Rosenberg/ http://www.MrMonologue.com

Crime Spree: In Albuquerque, New Mexico, Paul Wright was arrested on Sunday after allegedly stealing a milk truck, running red lights with it and smashing it into a police cruiser. "Got jail?" (Rosenberg)

Viva Brazil: Alexandre Jose Barbosa Lima Sobrinho, believed to be the world's oldest living writer, has passed away in Brazil at the age of 103. However, he is planning a sequel. (Steve Voldseth)

Doctor Roboto: The US Food and Drug Administration has now approved the use of surgical robots in the operating room. For guys-- this is a nightmare come true. You go in for your vasectomy-- you're nervous--but you go in. And the nurse says 'Good morning Mr Smith. Your vasectomy will be performed by our new robot. The Snip-O-Matic 3000'. (http://www.tomslake.com)

Celebrity Cam: Celebrity Internet cameras are the latest craze. William Shatner has a video camera set up so we can watch him at his desk as he writes a novel. Dennis Rodman has installed video cameras at his beach house so we can watch him party. And Dan Quayle has installed a camera so we can log onto the Internet and watch him try to tie his shoelaces. (Toms Lake)

Grade A: The USDA announced plans today, to ease meat regulations and allow the sale of cancerous hamburger. In fact, McDonalds has already come up with a new sandwich featuring the beef... the McLignant. (Steve Voldseth)

Wedding Brooke: Brooke Shields is engaged to be married again. She plans a very small wedding. She's only invited the audience for "Suddenly Susan". (Ray)

After 1500 years: Italy has reopened the Colosseum. Back then, in the Colosseum, contestants would battle for their lives 24 hours a day and then have their fate decided by a thumbs up or down sign. In fact, that's what the C in CBS stands for--Colosseum. (Voldseth)

Splitsville: The National Enquirer is saying that game show letter-turner, Vanna White may have separated from her husband. No word on whether the split has anything to do with the couple's sex life, but apparently, she wasn't getting enough aay's, ee's, aw's, ohhhs, and ooo's. (Steve Voldseth)

Streisand Concerts: Barbara Streisand will retire from singing after four more concerts. Home life is the big reason. She wants to spend more time with her ego. (Ray)