In The News ...

Happy Birthday: Actor Pat Morita turns 68 this week. If you haven't gotten Pat a gift yet, you can't go wrong with a script for "Karate Kid 5." (Steve Voldseth)

Darva Nude: Conger said she believed God would forgive her for appearing nude. When reached for comment, God said it's a good thing Conger undressed because where's she's going, it'll be too hot for clothes. (Guy Nicolucci http://members.tripod.com/guynico/thesearethejokes.html )

Shaq Saves: Shaquille O'Neal has signed a deal to become an investor in Planet Hollywood. Shaq told reporters, "I plan to do the same for Planet Hollywood as I have done for the Lakers..." So Planet Hollywood's neighbors should buy fire insurance. (Guy Nicolucci http://members.tripod.com/guynico/thesearethejokes.html )

Celebs: Planet Hollywood was successful in the early 90s because stars like Jean-Claude Van Damme and Patrick Swayze made regular appearances there. Planet Hollywood is failing now because stars like Jean-Claude Van Damme and Patrick Swayze make regular appearances there. (Nicolucci)

Porn Lawsuit: A Florida man has filed a lawsuit because he says his two-year-old son was traumatized when he opened up a children's book and found a picture of a man and woman having sex. I believe the name of the book was... "Where's Waldo's Waldo?" or "Tickle My Elmo." or "Behind the Green Eggs and Ham."

Happy birthday to Pete Rose. Five'll get you ten he's 58.

The Patriot: Britons are demanding a public apology and a retraction from the makers of Mel Gibson's latest blockbuster, "The Patriot." Okay, here it is: we're sorry we kicked your Royal ass and now make movies that earn more money than one hundred of yours combined without regard for the accuracy of its content. We'll try not to do it again, mate. (http://www.MrMonologue.com)

On This Day: Father Flanagan, founder of Boys' Town, was born on this day in 1886. Or as Michael Jackson calls him, "a pioneer!" (Voldseth)

Budget Survivor: Fox is planning a low budget version of 'Survivor'. 16 people are locked in a small room with Tonya Harding and a hubcap. (http://www.tomslake.com)

The Justice Department is going to investigate the 500% profits made by the oil companies to see if they are gouging us drivers. In fact, they've already got a name for the investigation - "Microslick." (tomslake)

Who's Your Daddy?: A Salt Lake City religious group is now offering a complete mummification service that costs $63,000. Or as Cher calls it, "A bargain!" (Voldseth)