In The News ...

Harry Potter: Experts say the Harry Potter books are good because they get young kids interested in reading. Although some confused kids are buying the book--and then wondering where they're supposed to put the batteries. (http://www.tomslake.com)

Irvin Out: Michael Irvin has retired from the Dallas Cowboys. He cited personal reasons. He plans to spend more time with his probation officer. (Ray)

Happy Birthday: Former Beatle drummer Ringo Starr is 60 today. Among Ringo's many birthday gifts, something he's always wanted... a beat. (Steve Voldseth)

What A Riot: Crowds of people leaving night clubs in Brunswick, Georgia threw rocks and bottles at police, shot off guns and burned two police cars. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? You are if you're thinking: When did Brunswick, Georgia get an NBA franchise? (Voldseth)

Grilled: Hamburgers, steak and chicken are the three most grilled foods in America - according to a survey by the makers of Weber Grills. The #4 most grilled item, as of late: Energy Secretary Bill Richardson. (Jim Rosenberg/http://www.MrMonologue.com

We Declare: One of the original copies of the Declaration of Independence has been in an internet auction for $8.14 million. It is the most expensive item ever sold over the Internet that doesn't contain Britney Spears' sweat stains. (Guy Nicolucci http://members.tripod.com/guynico/thesearethejokes.html )

Bill Declares: The copy was produced by John Dunlap, a Philadelphia printer, the night of July 4, 1776, a crucial point in our history. It was shortly before America transformed itself from a colony of England into a colony of Microsoft. (Nicolucci)

Splitsville: The tabloid, the Star is reporting next week, that Senator Ted Kennedy and his wife, Victoria, are close to breaking up. Sources say that, if there is a split, she will get the house, cars and furniture while Ted, I believe, gets the wine, women and songs. (Voldseth)

Bad Bryant: Bryant Gumbel was caught on camera making an offensive remark about a guest on his CBS morning show. His entire TV audience saw the slip. In other words, there were only a handful of witnesses. (Ray)

Singer Huey Lewis is 50 years old this week. Or as he calls it, half a Jagger. Now, I'm not saying 50 is old, but last night, getting out of the shower, Huey broke a hip trying to be square. (Steve Voldseth)