In The News ...

One Little Piggy: A North Carolina man has been charged with having sex with a pig. Doesn't this Ken Starr guy ever give up? (Voldseth)

Lucky Fall: A two-year-old girl survived a nine-story plummet from the window of an apartment block in Russia. Police said the exact cause of the accident was not yet known, although their chief suspect is gravity. (Guy Nicolucci http://members.tripod.com/guynico/thesearethejokes.html)

More Lucky Fall: Doctors said the girl was essentially unharmed because she landed on the shrubs, dense grass and pile of unconscious drunks that surrounds every building in Russia. (Nicolucci)

In freak accident news: A New Jersey man drove his sports car into a Starbucks pinning a customer against a wall. Police place the odds of an automobile crashing into a Starbucks coffee shop at roughly 1 in 1. (Voldseth)

Happy birthday to Milton Berle: 92-years-old. If you haven't gotten Milton a gift yet, you can't go wrong with an original joke. (Steve Voldseth)

Less Movement: A survey shows Americans are moving less. What's the term for someone who stays in the same place for at least 7 years? A civil servant. (Alan Ray)

Vatican Card: The Vatican has just announced a licensing deal to sell Vatican-branded credit cards. The cards will be marketed with the slogan, "Vatican Express: Don't leave the 13th century without it." (Guy Nicolucci http://members.tripod.com/guynico/thesearethejokes.html )

New Oz: Fox has signed Queen Latifah to play the witch in a hip hop remake of the "Wizard of Oz". Latifah's version will be a little different. For one thing, they're adding 30 minutes at the end to allow time for her to melt. (Steve Voldseth)

Snip and Tuck: A Beverly Hills plastic surgeon will make you look like a celebrity for twenty thousand bucks. And today, Jean Claude Van Damme said, "Sign me up!" (Voldseth)

12 Steps: The author of "Moderate Drinking"--a book that claims alcoholics can drink safely--has pleaded guilty to killing two people while driving drunk. The title of her new book is "Excessive Irony." (Voldseth)

Michael Jackson is set to star in a movie about "The Raven's" author, Edgar Allen Poe...."Came a tapping, a gentle rapping, at my chamber door. Tis the pervert, and nothing more...." (Bill Williams/ acmehumor)

Peace Process: President Clinton says Israel and the PLO should treat their relationship like a marriage. "Okay, bad metaphor." (Ray)

Happy Birthday Juice: O.J. Simpson turned 53 over the weekend. The highlight of the day-- a huge gift opening party at Fred Goldman's house. (Steve Voldseth)