In The News ...

Microsoft Moves: Microsoft is denying rumors that the company was getting ready to move to Canada. However, Microsoft has not denied rumors that it just bought Canada. (Guy Nicolucci http://members.tripod.com/guynico/thesearethejokes.html)

Lunch Special: The big item on the menu [at the NRA's planned restaurant in Times Square]: the whacked chicken. (David Letterman)

Jaco Net: Michael Jackson is investing in an internet company. He really loves his new laptop. The little guy's name is Jimmy. (Alan Ray)

Calling All Shots: The National Rifle Association is opening a theme restaurant down in Times Square. There's brainpower at work...I believe it's called 'Planet Homicide.' (David Letterman)

Star Wars: An expert was on CNN saying the Star Wars missile defense system will never be built because it would cost one billion, trillion dollars. And that's even more money than they pay the cast of 'Friends'. (http://www.tomslake.com)

Poke'man is dead! Sales are off. "Da bomb" has bombed! In fact, on the way into work today, I think that was Pikachu I saw on the corner with a sign saying: "Will admit my real name's Mike for food." (Bill Williams/ acmehumor)

The Big 3-O: Naomi Campbell celebrated her birthday recently. Her friends threw her a party. Only another model would be able to figure out how to put 30 candles on a grape. (Jerry Perisho)

Dare to Ware: Philadelphia has become the first big city school district to require uniforms for all its students. They are doing this because they say the uniforms will cut down on violence...Oh yeah, it worked for the NFL. (Leno)

New Study: Researchers are now saying that 4 to 5 daily cups of coffee can ward off Parkinson's disease. Good news for Starbucks. They'll become "Starbucks HMO" and triple the prices. (Williams)

Shirley Charlemagne: Shirley MacLaine says she had an affair with King Charlemagne in the 8th Century. She also advised him on matters of state. She told him not to put the magna carta before the horse. (Ray)

In other news: the AT&T rate cut turns out to be an increase, the reasoning being that the cost of a rate reduction has to come from somewhere. According to an AT&T spokesman, "War is Peace. Pain is Pleasure, and Night Rates are Day Rates." (Michael Feldman/ http://www.notmuch.com)

According to the tabloids: Saddam Hussein will use a team of psychics to cause a series of natural disasters to hit the United States. Forget the 'Star Wars' nuclear missile shield. What we need is a 'plague-of-locusts' shield! (http://www.tomslake.com)

You've Got NO Mail: The White House has told Congress that a year's worth of e-mails for Vice President Al Gore and his staff were never stored on backup tapes. He invented the Internet, but apparently did not know about floppy disks. (Jim Rosenberg/ http://www.MrMonologue.com)

According to Fox News: Prince and his wife, Mayte, have filed for divorce. He will now be known as "The Artist Formerly Known As Rich." (Rosenberg)