In The News ...

According to the tabloids: Michael Jackson paid an image consultant $5 million to advise him how to get his career back on track. The consultant's advice consisted of: 'Drop that bit where you can't decide if you're black or white and where you do that stupid dance thing with your legs and also the other bit where you molest young boys and have a private zoo and also the bit where you try to sing'. (http://www.tomslake.com)

TV Trouble: Four U.S. Senators are questioning TV programming standards. They intend to send a message about the amount of sex and violence on television. And, the message is "elect me this year." (Alan Ray)

Cigarette Burns: Philip Morris has vowed to reduce ads in magazines read by teens. Instead, the cigarette maker will invest its marketing dollars more wisely. Sponsorship of a Britney Spears tour is quite expensive. (Ray)

College Numbers: College enrollment is falling. This signals a change in cultural norms. Young adults between the ages of 18 and 22 are seeking alternatives places to drink beer. (Alan Ray)

Rights On: The Supreme Court has upheld police reading of Miranda Rights to arrested suspects. The ruling's impact will be felt. It will continue to make NFL games that much longer. (Ray)

The Executioner: George W. Bush is on the campaign stump. The Texas governor is touting prison reform. He believes in free and open injections. (Ray

Singing Sensation: Teen singer Mandy Moore says she wants to be a household name -- but she's not willing to wear skimpy outfits to reach her goal. I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Do you have a sister, then?" (Jim Rosenberg/ http://www.MrMonologue.com

Gene Mapping: Scientists have produced a rough draft of the human genome, which is the complete set of biochemical instructions that describe how the human body is made and maintained. The short version of what they found is that boys are made of snails and puppy dog tails while girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. (Guy Nicolucci http://members.tripod.com/guynico/thesearethejokes.html)

More Gene Talk: An international team of scientists confirmed today that after 10 years' work it has finally completed a chemical sequencing map for human DNA. Reached for comment, a spokesman for the team said something using a lot of big words that I couldn't really understand. (Steve Voldseth)

Passing On: Philippe Chatrier, perhaps the most influential figure in world tennis, passed away in Paris at the age of 72 over the weekend. --Official cause of death-- "Game, set, match." --Reportedly, Chatrier's last words were "Advantage, God." (Voldseth)