In The News ...

Bare With It: Paula Jones, who sued President Clinton for allegedly exposing himself in a Little Rock hotel, is going to be posing for Penthouse. They are negotiating what will be exposed. She wants to cover the area below the waist, and they want her to cover the area above the neck. (Jay Leno)

We Want Porn: The Student Assembly at New York's Binghamton State University has voted 23-7 in favor of a resolution that the campus video store stock more adult videos for students to rent. Every day, in every way ... earning the title "Generation X." (Jim Rosenberg/ http://www.mrmonologue.com)

AMWAY Cut: Amway is cutting 13,000 jobs. The effect will be profound. As a result, millions of Americans may start answering their doors. (Ray)

Big Bid: An anti-slavery speech by John Quincy Adams in 1837 are expected to fetch bids up to $300,000 when put up for sale at Sotheby's auction house in New York next Monday. By contrast, if you want an Al Gore speech on your behalf, it's still a cool million up front -- made out to the Democratic National Committee. (Rosenberg)

Bad Bard: Kelsey Grammer's New York production of 'Macbeth' will close after only 13 performances. How bad was Kelsey Grammer's Shakespearean acting? Let's just say the dog on 'Frasier' gave his performance 'one leg up'. (http://www.tomslake.com)

With A Bullet: Whitney Houston's "Greatest Hits" album is going double platinum. In a related story, husband Bobby Brown's "Greatest Hits" continue to go unnoticed under heavy layers of make-up and sunglasses. (Voldseth)

Hello Darkness My Old Friend: The Supreme Court (the one that never goes on tour) has ruled 6 to 3 that student-led prayer in schools is unconstitutional under the separation of church and state....So if you're listening "Prince of Darkness," that's six confirmed reservations.... (Bill Williams/ acmehumor)

It's The Economy Stupid: The oil companies say they can't explain why their profits have increased 500%, but oil executives promise to help us all by plowing that profit back into the economy....at Mercedes, Tiffany, and the "Heidi Fleis Home of Good Times." (Williams)

World Summit: The Third World Summit opened in Cairo, Egypt, yesterday with 17 developing nations participating. Their first order of business: Voting the annoying 72- year-old ukulele-playing nation of Sri Lanka off the planet. (Steve Voldseth)

Fuel Efficient: Scientists have developed a new process which can turn human waste into a fuel for cars. The first prototype, The Ford Excreter, should be ready by next year. (Jim Rosenberg/ http://www.mrmonologue.com)

Funds Requested: Unless funds are found to keep it aloft, the Mir will crash into the ocean later this year. And if the funds are found, the Mir will crash into the ocean next year. (Guy Nicolucci http://members.tripod.com/guynico/thesearethejokes.html

Price Gouge: You know gas is getting high when you see people putting car racks on their bikes. (Michael Feldman/ http://www.notmuch.com)

Glaucoma Weed: Medical marijuana has been OK'd in Hawaii: Aloha High! A little Maui-wowee goes a long way towards glaucoma prevention. An ounce of prevention is worth a kilo of cure. Maybe a quarter -- ounce at those prices. (Feldman)