Alternative Medicine

"Look, we're Americans: optimistic, addicted to the quick fix, constantly on the hunt for the new and exotic. It's much easier for us to accept a guy with a big white beard hawking his own custom blend of saw palmetto and squirrel dandruff than it is to hear a real doctor telling us to lay off the Big Macs, and get off our fat asses and take a walk every decade or so.

If alternative medicine is so much better than mainstream science, then tell me this, Nick Natural: Where is your alternative medicine's magical tincture that allows me to stroll through a pollen-laden field of dandelions and still feel like I'm walking on sunshine? Where's your shark cartilage that allows me to start each morning with a stick of butter, a half dozen cinnabons and a pot of espresso, without four o'clock rollin' around and me trying to figure out if I've just got gas or if it really is checkout time?" --Dennis Miller