In The News ...

Dot.Com This: Ed McMahon has launched www.nextbigstar.com, a national talent search Web site. This leaves your bathrooms and Y2K bunkers as the only remaining places to hide from the hideous reach of the chortling no-talent beast that is McMahon. (Jim Rosenberg)

The Pause That Refreshes: "Coca Cola announced it was going to lay off 6,000 workers worldwide. They say this is the biggest coke layoff since George W. Bush went into rehab." (Jay Leno)

Hair Today: "A Yale University study found that bad-hair days can affect people's behavior by lowering their self- esteem. In fact, today Sam Donaldson was placed on suicide watch." (Leno)

Cable TV: In Oregon, they have a new cable show called "Final Exit" that teaches people various ways to kill themselves. Critics are concerned that the show will cause a rise in the number of people killing themselves. . . .And there may be something to this-- because they plan to run the show right after "Two Guys and a Girl." . . .I believe they're calling the show, "Just Shoot, Stab, Drown, Poison or Asphyxiate Yourself." (Steve Voldseth)

Moon Shot: For $12,500 your cremated remains can go to the moon. A commercial rocket will be launched some time next year and crash into the moon after its 240,000 mile flight. The name of the rocket is appropriately - The "USS Halle Berry." (Williams)

Big Return: Wide World of Sports, the popular sports anthology show that ran for 37 years before its cancellation in 1997, might return, according to inside sources. It's not clear, however, whether it will air on ABC, or Court TV. (Jim Rosenberg/ http://www.mrmonologue.com)

Gun Experience: One in 4 Americans has been threatened with a handgun. Victims always plead the same thing. "Please, put down your weapon and return to your seat in the back of the classroom." (Ray)

Official Language: 25 U.S states have now declared English as their official language. The District of Columbia remains a holdout, however, with the official language still being money. (Jim Rosenberg/ http://www.MrMonologue.com)

So Sorry: Ford Motor Company says the SUV's they make are environmentally irresponsible and they are sorry, but they are going to keep selling them because they make money - George Double U Bush called Ford a "compassionate conservative" company and immediately named them his choice for VP running mate. (Bill Williams/ acmehumor)

Lab Laminated: Safety inspectors are examining fire damage to the Los Alamos National Lab. Investigators plan to check every inch. They have bought back blueprints of the facility from the Chinese government. (Ray)

According to the Weekly World News: George W Bush is getting advice from aliens from outer space. Al Gore says that's OK by him. And by the way--Al invented outer space. (http://www.pris.bc.ca/tomslake)

In historical news: George Holmes, inventor of the microphone was born on this day in 1831. Before him, to be heard, people had to shout the phrase "Testing... 1-2-3... testing..." (Steve Voldseth)