In The News ...

LA Not in the Finals: "For the first time since scientists began tracking air quality in the mid-1970s, Houston has supplanted Los Angeles as the smog capital of America. Houston will now go on to face New Jersey in the finals." (Colin Quinn)

Have Patience: Johnny Cash was taken to a Nashville hospital suffering from pneumonia. "Thanks to an error on his admission form, the hospital staff spend several unsuccessful hours trying to locate a patient name Sue." (Mills)

Wonder Show: ABC has dropped "Wonderland" because of poor ratings. A show about a mental ward doesn't appeal to most TV households. If it did, C-SPAN would be ranked number one. (Alan Ray)

Sly Stars: Sylvester Stallone is working on a film called "D-Tox". It's a police drama. To investigate crime in a drug and alcohol detoxification unit, he goes disguised as Whitney Houston. (Ray)

IPO: Krispy Kreme Doughnuts went public with millions of shares of common stock. Savvy investors looking to leverage their investment also pushed up the price of Bigass Jeans, Inc. (NYSE: BJI). (Jim Rosenberg/ www.mrmonologue.com)

Ol' Sparky: Florida Gov. Jeb Bush says he is confident that the U.S. Supreme Court will uphold Florida's use of the electric chair to execute condemned prisoners. It's all part of Bush's "Compassionate Electromagnetism." (Rosenberg)

Gray Matter: "Pete Rose refused to admit gambling on ballgames during an interview by NBC's Jim Gray. How brutal was the questioning? After it was all over, OJ Simpson walked out of his house with his hands up." (Argus Hamilton)

Ow. Ow. Ow!: "Scientists found out what causes pain in the brain for rats and mice. They think it may have something to do with the metal bar that hits them in the back of the head when they go for the cheese." (Jay Leno)

China TV: China is expanding its cable television system. What's the number one channel in Beijing? Kangaroo Court TV. (Alan Ray)

Say a Little Prayer: "According to a study, heart patients do better when somebody is praying for them. They do even better when somebody prays for the doctor." (Daily Scoop)

Good Counsel: In Portugal, a man is in hospital with serious facial injuries after he tried to remove an aching tooth by shooting it out with a pistol. Two words of advice: no vasectomy. (Rosenberg)

Retiring Chimps: Twenty-one chimpanzees, veterans of the space program are headed for retirement in Florida... Florida! I can see it now: Chimps with The Clapper; Chimps with walkers; Chimps eating banana-flavored Metamucil; but best of all ---- Chimps sitting around the porch in red and green-checked pants with their fly's open. (Williams)

Weight Losses: Jenny Craig has announced massive layoffs. In the future, the managers will be giving the testimonials. "I shed 185 pounds in just 5 minutes." (Ray)