In The News ...

Missing in Action: "American inventor, author and statesman Benjamin Franklin was born 294 years ago this week. He created the first efficient postal system in America. No one is certain where it disappeared to." (Jerry Perisho)

Sly Arnie: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone want to make a movie together. This combination is sure to create long lines. In the theater. Not in the dialogue. (Ray)

In Legal News: The Supreme Court, today, heard arguments on whether a grandparent should be allowed to visit their grandchildren even if the parents object. Asked how he would decide the controversial issue, today, Woody Allen said he was for it and against it-- and then his head exploded. (Steve Voldseth)

New Car: The Ford Motor Company is unveiling an electric car with a body entirely made of plastic. I believe they're calling it the Cher. (Voldseth)

McWhat???: A federal judge has ordered Papa John's pizza to stop using the word "better" to describe its pizza. Let's set some priorities here. How about first let's order McDonald's to stop using the word "chicken" to describe its Chicken McNuggets? (Jim Rosenberg)

Gun Control: The California legislature is considering a gun control law that would require prospective handgun owners take a written and practical test. And Charlton Heston has suggested they adapt the NRA tests. The written test is: "What is the number of the Second Amendment?" Operating the ball-point pen is the practical test. (Bill Williams)

Reform Roust: Continued infighting reported in the Reform Party. A lot of it has to do with representation at the convention. The John Anderson faction wants at least 2 delegates from each planet. (Ray)

3 R's Plus One: A Virginia State Senate committee has approved a bill to require every public school in the state to set aside one minute each school day for silent "meditation, prayer or reflection." During the contemplative moment, all grade schoolers will be required to honor whatever God they worship by postponing their Ritalin dose and holstering their weapon. (www.mrmonologue.com)

You're Otta Here: Dr. Ludvik Janos, a part-time Kent State University professor who lost his temper during a class, calling his students "dumb Americans," has been fired. He plans to work on his split-finger fastball and apply for a spot as a balancing presence in the Atlanta Braves bullpen.

Oxygen Airs: The women's cable network Oxygen is now on the air. Some say the new channel may be threatening to men. Husbands fear if their spouses spend too much time watching, they might steal their couches. (Ray)