In The News ...

Running on Empty: "They caught a guy running across the White House lawn. Luckily, authorities said he never had a real chance of making it to the White House. And they described him as Alan Keyes." (Bill Maher)

Not Again: "Political pundits are saying that if Hillary Clinton is elected as Senator, she will run for President...That's all we need. Bill Clinton back in the White House with even more free time." (David Letterman)

A Dope Bust: "Dan Quayle is getting his own bust at... the Hall of Vice Presidents. Not the brightest guy. He went to Victoria's Secret to get a bra for his bust." (Andrew Wisot)

Snooze Alarm: "According to the National Sleep Foundation. 58% have experienced insomnia. The only known cure? Al Gore." (Daily Scoop)

Home of the Free...: Little Rock is the home of the Arkansas Outdoor Hall of Fame....Oddly enough, it's located indoors. (Williams)

Court Rules: The 6th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled Tuesday that Ohio's state motto, "With God, all things are possible," violates the U.S. Constitution is a government endorsement of religion. Effective immediately, the new Ohio state motto will be "If it feels good -- do it!" (Rosenberg)

According to recently released Justice Department statistics, the number of Americans in prison hit a record high of 1.86 million last year. That's the bad news. The good news is there is now enough former NFL players incarcerated to grant Leavenworth its own franchise. (Jim Rosenberg/ mrmonologue.com)

Boob Job: "Baywatch Hawaii" has signed on a new head writer. As a result, some of the cast members are complaining about the increased amount of dialogue. The script is now 3 pages thick. (Alan Ray)

Double UU: There's a report George W Bush is spending most of his time studying foreign policy--but he's finding it tough. George W says the very first thing he's going to do when he becomes President is reduce the number of countries. http://www.pris.bc.ca/tomslake

Three things I don't EVER want to hear about again: 1. Y2K. 2. Calista Flockhart's diet. 3. What's best for Elian. (Bill Williams/ acmehumor@aol.com)

Zoo Story: New accommodations have just been opened at Washington, DC's National Zoo. The place is more guest friendly. They now have designated areas for loading and reloading. (Alan Ray)

New NRA: The NRA has a new character Eddie Eagle who promotes safety. He will address school children. The organization thinks it's important to speak directly to gun owners. (Ray)