In The News ...

God-Like: George W. Bush apparently meant it when he declared a "national emergency" in education. He called Thursday for more money to train retired military officers as teachers. Imagine the adjustments your children would face. The new grade school policy would be, "don't show, don't tell!" (Burkard)

His Foreign Policy: George W. Bush is on the political stump. His military experiences will help him in the White House. If war breaks out somewhere in the world, he'll use his connections to get us out of it. (Ray)

Campaign Trail: Al Gore is on the political stump. As vice president, he helped build a bridge to the 21st Century. And it was entirely paid for with donations from wealthy Chinese businessmen. (Ray)

No Harm, No Foul: In Delaware legislation is being drafted in the General Assembly that would allow parents of newborns to escape child abandonment charges if they drop off their baby at a hospital emergency room. There is a fee, however, if the baby is not rewound. (Jim Rosenberg/ www.mrmonologue.com)

Boom!!!: NBC said Wednesday it is joining with the World Wrestling Federation in marketing the XFL, a no-holds- barred "extreme" football league. This is the second NBC entry into the field of staged phony events, with the first being "Dateline NBC." (Rosenberg)

Thou Shat Not: Many states are making laws to enable schools to display the Ten Commandments. Even the NRA has taken a stand - they are for it, except for one "teeny" change. Commandment #1 says: "Thou shalt have no other gods before me," they wanted added, "but guns are okay." (Bill Williams/ acmehumor@aol.com)

Safe and Sound: In Belgium John Tesh hired 200 armed security guards to work at his next concert. Apparently at his last concert, a lot of people got away. (Craig Kilborn)

About Face: "A philosophy student in Albany, NY wants to undergo plastic surgery so he can look more like a reptile. Wouldn't it be easier just to go to law school?" (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Beanie Baby: You know how they said no more Beanie Baby's after 1999? Well, they changed their mind and will sell more. And the first new one will be, of course, the "Term Limits" Beanie. (Bill Williams)