In The News ...

Street Fight: Wall Street is jittery these days. What's the number one pick up line in stockbroker bars? "Your ledge or mine?" (Alan Ray)

Cancer Free??? R.J. Reynolds is selling a cigarette, "Eclipse," that they say is less likely to cause cancer...Excuse me! But isn't that like saying OJ is "less likely" to kill his next wife?! (Bill Williams/ acmehumor@aol.com)

Oprah Watch: I saw Oprah's new magazine "O" today, and I figured out what the O stands for: Bo-"O"-ring!! (Williams)

Not Making Friends: Rock star Ted Nugent has some Hispanic- American people steamed. At concerts in Houston and San Antonio, he said: "If you can't speak English, get out of America." Based on some of the music we've heard, a lot of heavy metal bands would qualify! (Richard Burkard/ www.LaughLine.com)

Role With The Punch: Mike Tyson makes his acting debut in a new movie called 'Black and White.' It should be 'Black and Blue' if Tyson is in it. (Jay Leno)

Put It In Writing: The surviving Beatles have written a book about the band. It's called 'Yoko Ruined It For All of Us.' (Daily Scoop)

The Friendly Skies: American Airlines had a man and a woman arrested after landing in England. The two strangers got drunk together and began taking off each other's clothes. American Airlines is already sorry they put more leg room in their planes. (Argus Hamilton)

Sly Stars: Sylvester Stallone is working on a film called "D-Tox". It's a police drama. To investigate crime in a drug and alcohol detoxification unit, he goes disguised as Whitney Houston. (Ray)

IPO: Krispy Kreme Doughnuts went public with millions of shares of common stock. Savvy investors looking to leverage their investment also pushed up the price of Bigass Jeans, Inc. (NYSE: BJI). (Jim Rosenberg/ www.mrmonologue.com)

Bad Company: According to a CIA report, as many as 50,000 women and children from Asia, Latin America and Eastern Europe are brought to the U.S. under false pretenses each year and forced to work as prostitutes. That is ten times the second-largest group, the U.S. Congress, whose members are similarly lured to Washington as statesman and forced to work as prostitutes. (Rosenberg)

World News Tonight: Didya see ABC's report Wednesday night on Iran's first government-approved ROCK band? A Tehran concert started with a KORAN reading -- and ended after only two songs! If only Tammy Faye Bakker's old TV shows had followed this example, the PTL Club might still be going! (Richard Burkard/ www.LaughLine.com)