In The News ...

Practice Makes Perfect: "Al Gore revealed he got in shape this year by lifting weights with his son on the campaign trail. There are other benefits. Working with dumbbells was the best possible way to prepare for a debate with George W. Bush." (Argus Hamilton)

--Some sad news: Walter Dana, the man responsible for introducing polka music into the United States has passed away at the age of 96. Those wishing to pay their last respects may do so Thursday between a one and a two. (Steve Voldseth)

UA Gays: United Airlines will market to gays and lesbians. What's the one thing you probably won't hear on the United terminal intercom? "Dr. Laura, Dr. Laura, please pick up a white courtesy phone." (Ray)

Cheap High: "The price of illegal drugs is at a all-time low in this country. Crack and heroin are the cheapest they've ever been, which is frustrating if you're a junkie...The drugs are cheap, but gas is so expensive, you can't drive downtown to get em." (Jay Leno)

Homemade Remedy: "The journal Lancet reported medical research saying passionate sex can help cure the symptoms of chronic asthma. Well, what do you know? Looking back, we might have had the wrong Clinton in charge of health care." (Argus Hamilton)

What's Ailing Ya?: Health officials in Los Angeles have noticed a major outbreak of syphilis in the past weeks. See, New York may be the city that never sleeps. But L.A. is the city that never sleeps alone. (Leno)

Finger This: Scientists now suggest that finger length may be linked to sexual orientation. Doctors examined the middle finger of a group of homosexuals. They were standing outside the building of Dr. Laura. (Alan Ray)

Healthy Hearts: Hospitals will soon be releasing heart surgery patients 2 and 3 days earlier. Credit advanced technology. It used to take medical facilities much longer to figure out a patient's bill. (Alan Ray)

Gas Guzzles: Arco and BP Amoco are hoping to merge. Both companies will work together on a primary drilling location. Customer wallets. (Ray)

A Chicken In Every Pot: The governor in Maine wants to give every seventh-grader a laptop computer. I for one don't think that's a very good idea. Because...won't it get all scratched up in their backpacks rubbing up against their Smith&Wesson? (Williams)