In The News ...

Action Figure: Hasbro has announced it will be immortalizing President John F. Kennedy later this year with a Presidential action figure. This is not the first case of this however. President Clinton has been combining the presidency and a little action for years. (Alonso)

Speaking of religion: have you heard what a Catholic church in Chicago plans to do this week? The priest and several parishioners plan to hit the streets, pay prostitutes for an hour then spend the time PREACHING to them! Somewhere in Louisiana Jimmy Swaggart is saying, "Why didn't I think of this excuse YEARS ago?" (Burkard)

Just Say No: Alex Trebek Said No to Regis Philbin's invite to be a contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." But it wasn't what you think; he's not afraid - just busy. For instance -

Monday: Alex is receiving the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Tuesday: He's flying to Washington to be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Wednesday: Doing Othello on Broadway.

Thursday: Jetting off to Florida because NASA needs his help on a problem with the space shuttle.

Friday: He'll be in the Vatican to advise the Pope on that "Is God Dead" thing.

Weekends: He always saves that for his family of adopted Vietnamese, game-show impaired, adopted kids - all 25 of them. (Bill Williams/ acmehumor@aol.com)

Big Shoes To Fill: Everyone is worried who will replace Kathie Lee in "Live with Regis and Kathie Lee." Well, I think the perfect replacement would be a Nike shoe. Think about it - A Nike shoe can't sing, it's got a really big tongue, and if it weren't for a sweatshop it wouldn't be there. (Bill Williams/ acmehumor@aol.com)

New Doll: Mattel has just launched the first in a series of Elizabeth Taylor dolls! The doll itself isn't that expensive, but you have to replace its male companion about every year. (Jim Rosenberg/ www.mrmonologue.com)

Bigamy Game: San Diego Padres pitcher Al Martin has been arrested for having two wives. His lawyers will try to get his sentence commuted to prison time already served. "Your honor, he has two wives." (Alan Ray)

Laura Legend: Radio's Dr. Laura may move to Manhattan. She has mixed emotions about the New York area. She loves the Bronx. But she hates Queens. (Ray)

10 Months: In Russellville, Arkansas, 50 year old Robert White got 10 months in jail for mooning a judge. Man, what is it with these Arkansas people dropping their trousers all the time? (Rosenberg)

Finding Fault: A new study says men are better overall at navigation than women. This raises an important question among females. If they're so good at locating things, why can't they get their own damn beer? (Ray)