In The News ...

Oxygen Air: The new TV channel for women Oxygen is on the air. One program teaches females how to get rid of unnecessary fat in their lives. Men. (Alan Ray)

Name Change: West Granada High School in Los Angeles is changing its name to "Kirk Douglas High School" to honor the star. And right across town, East Granada High is changing its name to honor his son, Michael Douglas.... It'll be called "Jailbait High." (Williams)

What a Bouquet: Gas prices are getting so high I've been training my car to run on Cabernet-Sauvignon - It's cheaper and way more fun when you siphon it. -I hear Gallo is coming out with a wine specially bottled for your vehicle - It's called "Car-donnay." (Williams)

Little Pete: Pete Rose, Junior plays for the Philadelphia Phillies. Dad's chants from the stands are all inspiring. "Come on son, I'm betting on you." (Alan Ray)

Wide Load: "The other day in Washington, D.C., true story, during a protest over the high price of gas...a 350-pound man got naked and tied himself to a hood of a SUV. At first the police didn't do anything because they just thought it was Ted Kennedy coming to work." (Conan O'Brien)

Pennies From Heaven: An armored car dropped about 400,000 pennies on a highway in Washington state Friday. It was on its way to deliver gravel for Bill Gates' maintenance driveway. (Rosenberg)

Kathi Quitting: Kathy Lee Gifford is quitting her talk show with Regis. In celebration of her announcement, she let her workers take off an hour early. That way most could be home by midnight. (Alan Ray)

"The Making of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue:" This is for the people who find complicated plots of 'Baywatch' too hard to follow." (Jay Leno)

Darryl Deed: Darryl Strawberry will sit out of baseball for one year. Word is he may go into acting. He's always been good at repeating lines. (Alan Ray)

Get a Little Religion: Alyssa Milano tells USA Weekend: "The religions that held up 50 years ago don't really hold up for younger kids today. They want something new to believe in. I was raised Catholic, but now I'm more Buddhist. But I don't practice anything specifically." Personally, I am praying to my God that Alyssa Milano will just please shut up. (Rosenberg)

Cheaters: The concern REALLY is about students cheating on tests such as plagiarizing other students' words. We suspect the ones who are the BEST at this get jobs as TV sportscasters! (Burkard)

NFL Nasty: More off season dealing in the NFL. Next year the league will institute stricter penalties for the three most common offenses. Blind sides, off sides and homicides. (Alan Ray)