In The News ...

Total Recall: The military had to recall thousands of protective suits used to shield soldiers from germ warfare because of "stitching irregularities." They should have known.... Next time they'll hire Kathie Lee who always asks her sweatshop workers: "Is that your final stitch?" (Acme Humor)

Kathie Leaves: Kathie Gifford is leaving her talk show. She wants to spend more time with her children. Her employees are very important to her. (Ray)

Law Arm of the Law: The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department said Tuesday actress Halle Berry fled the scene of an auto accident in which she and the other driver were both injured. I think I speak for every law-abiding man when I say, "I wonder what she was wearing?" (Jim Rosenberg/ www.mrmonologue.com

In Other Traffic-related News: British newspapers reported on Wednesday that Eric Clapton has been banned from driving in Britain for six months after being caught speeding. They need a driver with a slow hand. They need a driver with an easy touch. They need a driver who will slow it down, not come and go in a heated rush. (Rosenberg)

NFL News: The NFL is holding a combine this weekend in Indianapolis. What do you call a football player without experience in the league? A suspect with no priors. (Alan Ray)

NFL Holding: The NFL holds a tryout "combine" this weekend in Indianapolis. The desire to play pro football is an intense drive. Many would kill to be here. (Ray)

New Study: According to a new study, the number of 2 to 4 year-olds taking psychiatric drugs like Ritalin and Prozac soared 50 percent between 1991 and 1995. "Hello kids, today's show is brought to you by the letters 'ZZZZZZ'" (Jim Rosenberg/ www.mrmonologue.com)

Computer crime: is getting so out of hand the cybercops can't keep up. So, what are cybercops? A Nike-booted geek-thug carrying a Walther ppk mouse with a license to delete. They work 24-7 and celebrate only one holiday - The birth of Windows 98. (Bill Williams)

Top Job: A survey by historians has ranked Abraham Lincoln as the number one president, and Bill Clinton right in the middle of all the rest. Know the difference between Lincoln and Clinton? DNA. (Williams)

Clinton Backs: President Clinton backs DNA testing of death row inmates. To him, it's an issue of fairness. If he had to submit to it, so should they. (Ray)

com-mie.com: C.I.A. officials gave Congress a warning Wednesday. They claim Russia has more spies watching the U.S. than the U.S. has spies watching Russia. Of course, Russia now has an evening newscast where the anchors STRIP [True!] so this COULD change! (Richard Burkard/www.LaughLine.com)