In The News...

Green-and-white-stuff: According to new figures, 90 percent of all paper money in the U.S. has traces of cocaine on it. You know what this means? The million dollars that guy won on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire:"has a street value of $125 trillion. (Andrew Wisot)

Strike One: The New York City Ballet Orchestra went on strike last week. About 25 of the striking musicians picketed at Lincoln Center. There were no incidents, but it really kept the local cops on their toes. (Ira Lawson)

Archie & Meathead: You can get a new postage stamp honoring that 1970's TV show, "All in the Family." The stamp is so authentic, your letter can only be delivered to three U.S. addresses: The NRA, the KKK and Pat Buchanan. (Bill Williams)

Papa's Got A Brand New Bag: A federal judge has ordered Papa John's Pizza to stop using the word "better" to describe its pizza. Adding insult to injury, the judge then also ordered the company to stop using the word "pizza." (Steve Voldseth)

NBA NBC: Marv Albert will become the lead NBC basketball anchor next fall. He'll be tied up until then. And that's just in his hotel room. (Alan Ray)

Air Policy: The major airlines have instituted new customer service policies. It affects fliers who miss planes. If a passenger is bumped from a flight, he will be given the next available seat in the terminal. (Ray)

Limiting The Options: "The justice department is investigating record companies [on allegations] of fixing CD prices. They're also going after Microsoft, drug dealers, Big Tobacco and gun makers. The idea is to give high school kids nothing to do but study." (Argus Hamilton)

Running the Asylum: "According to a new report by the Surgeon General, the mentally ill in this country are too often left untreated. And you know where they usually end up -- the Reform Party, running for president." (Jay Leno)

Disney Delinquent: A former Disney executive has been found guilty of possessing child porn. Co-workers suspected nothing. He was busy working on his new animated film, "Oh Calcutta." (Ray)

Gingrich Gloss: Newt Gingrich and his wife have reached a divorce settlement. He claims he never meant to lie to her. It was just that he often got her confused with Congress. (Ray)

On This Day in 1914: Automaker Henry Ford raised the minimum wage at his factories to five dollars a day, reduced the workday to eight hours and implemented a profit-sharing plan. In honor of the occasion, today Kathie Lee Gifford said, "Damn you, Henry Ford. Damn you to hell." (Voldseth)

Happy Birthday: Marilyn Manson turned 31 this week. If you haven't gotten Marilyn a gift yet, you can't go wrong with a gender. (Voldseth)