In The News ...

Poor Things: Heidi Fleiss has declared bankruptcy. "They released a list of her assets. Apparently, she has $200 worth of clothing, $500 worth of jewelry and $40 on top of the dresser." (Steve Voldseth)

The bad news: most eighth-graders in New York City failed a state intelligence test. The good news: Arkansas standards may be on the way! (Jim Rosenberg)

No Nukes - No Nudes: The U.S. Supreme Court will hear arguments today on whether to reinstate a local ordinance banning nudity in public places. Justice Clarence Thomas cautions the discovery and investigative process may be "extremely lengthy and exhaustive." (Rosenberg)

American History: "One of America's most venerable auto brands, Plymouth, will be relegated to the scrap heap after 2001. Henceforth, history will note that the Pilgrims landed at DaimlerChryslercq Rock." (Bob Mills)

Carbon Dated For Accuracy: Archeologists in France who discovered a 3,000-year-old paw print have announced it was made by a dog. I believe that means it is actually 21,000 years old! (Rosenberg)

One Ringy Dingy: During a funeral in Poland, startled mourners were scared out of their wits when a cell phone started ringing inside a grave next to them ... Boy! Those telemarketers never give up. (Bill Williams)

No Pain, No Gain: The Supreme Court has to decide if a New Mexico school saying a prayer before a football game violates the separation of church and state ... Look for them to come out with a policy like the military -- "Don't kneel, don't heal." (Williams)

Go Figure: Hillary Clinton's mother accompanied Bill Clinton on his trip to New Zealand and was almost lost in a crowd when local security guards failed to recognize her. "They lost her -- I'm sure that was an accident!" (Jay Leno)

Not Coming Soon: Disney is canceling plans to make a sequel to the movie "Peter Pan." "Mainly because Peter is close to 50 now and it's too creepy that he keeps showing up in kids' bedrooms." (Conan O'Brien)

Smokin: Former presidential bimbette Gennifer Flowers announced this week, she's coming out with a new cigar line. I believe the line is "No, thank you, Mr. President." (Voldseth)

Snip Here, Snip There: Supermodel Cindy Crawford, speaking out after her baby son's recent bris, said that his circumcision was a "difficult thing to watch." And today John Wayne Bobbitt said, "Pbbtt! Tell me about it!" (Voldseth)

Techies Abroad: The Clinton administration will announce a simplification of the rules governing how U.S. technology companies may sell encryption hardware and software to foreign entities. Under the current policy, only the Ovaltine Abracadabra Decoder Ring is eligible for exportation. (Rosenberg)