In The News ...

Gay British Troops: The British military has used the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy -- although the Brits refer to it as "If you would be so good as to not inquire, I shall most assuredly return the favor in the form of personal reticence." (Jon Stewart)

The Missouri Realm of the Ku Klux Klan wants to underwrite afternoon drive programming on the University of Missouri's public radio station, so it can run a 15-second announcement during the popular NPR news and information show "All Things Considered." "This afternoon's program is brought to you by the Corporation for Public Broacasting, and listeners just like you ... {as long as you are not Afican-American, Jewish, Catholic, or what we consider one of the 'mongrel' races.} Now, the news ..." (Jim Rosenberg)

New Law Firm: Johnny Cochran is giving up his Court TV show to create a large new personal-injury law firm in New York. Cochran says that the role of syndicated TV talk show host has been "the best possible preparation for ambulance-chasing." (Chris Bannon)

A Romantic Tale: "As they stood at the altar, waiting to be married, the bride-to-be looked down and saw a set of golf clubs besides the groom's feet. 'What on Earth are you doing with those?' she whispered sternly. 'Well,' he whispered back, 'this won't take all afternoon, will it?'" (Randy Youngman)

Stocks and Scams: "The World Wrestling Federation, now on the stock market, has investors leery about profits, afraid the prices are also fixed." (Stan Kaplan)

Houston Rockets' forward Charles Barkley has announced that this season will be his last in the NBA. Barkley said he wanted "to spend time with my family, and rent a small cabin in Montana where I can cut out little pictures of Scottie Pippen and pursue my interest in guns." (Rosenberg)

Matt Mad: Actor Matthew McConaughey was arrested in Texas for possession of drugs and dancing naked. Or, as they would call that kind of behavior in Hollywood, "Monday." (Ray)

Here Comes The Judge: A judge in Pittsburgh is charged with using heroin and cocaine while on the job. Police say evidence includes traces of a white substance found on the scales of justice in her chambers. (Patrick M Rhody)

Cliffhanger: Harrison Ford survived a real-life flight cliffhanger when his helicopter went down during a training run this weekend. It is the most precipitous Hollywood crash in recent memory, not counting Kevin Costner's career. (Rosenberg)

House Ransacked: England has scaled back the power of the House of Lords. The average commoner knows what governance based merely on wealth and birthright can do. It can make you governor of Texas. (Ray)