In The News ...

I Didn't Push No Stinkin' Button!: The US has invited a team of Russian officers to work in the Y2K Center for Strategic Stability: a group set up to stop accidental missile launches because of possible Y2K computer glitches. It's a good idea because, remember, Russia is the country that built the MIR space station -- The Fiat of the cosmos. (Bill Williams)

Keep It Zipped: Jesse Ventura tells Newsweek magazine this week that he's learned his lesson. He said from now on he's going to keep his mouth shut -- that's what he said -- he's learned his lesson and he's going to keep his mouth shut for the rest of his political career. And today, Monica Lewinsky said, "Pfff! Tell me about it!" (Steve Voldseth)

Doggy Downsizing: Taco Bell announced that its star Chihuahua will be given a minor role in upcoming TV commercials. "Pat Buchanan immediately lauded the decision, pointing out that too many Chihuahuas have been entering the US illegally to take jobs from American purebreds." (Bob Mills)

Gone in 60 Seconds: A government study says car thieves are now taking the popular SUVs and minivans. - You can always tell if a minivan is driven by a soccer- mom-thief. The kids in the soccer uniforms are all wearing cute little bandit masks. -Stealing SUVs is getting so popular, Starbucks has come up with a special drink for the car thieves: The "El Grande Crook-achino." (Bill Williams)

O.G. Criminals: Crime is at its lowest in 32 years. One of the reasons is the nation's aging criminal population. It's not for lack of trying, I'm telling you! They just haven't been able to figure out how to fire a .44 Magnum using "The Clapper." (Williams)

Eye Spy: In Australia, scientists are planning to build the world's largest space telescope. It will be the most money spent on peering aimlessly into the unknown looking for God knows what since, well ... the Starr investigation. (Jim Rosenberg)

Chapter Eleven: Former "Hollywood Madam" Heidi Fleiss, who once ran a high-priced call-girl ring that catered to the rich and famous, has declared bankruptcy. Under court order, she is to leave all of her current assets on the dresser and just leave before the judge wakes up. (Rosenberg)

Viva La Difference: A judge in Quebec, Canada, ruled that the law requiring business signs in English and French have the French twice as big is a violation of freedom rights. ... The defense lawyer was brilliant, saying that English is required to understand that most valued of French treasures: In other words, he played the Jerry Lewis card. (Williams)

Suicide Stinks: Congress is trying to outlaw assisted suicides. This is consistent with their past voting record. They want people to live longer so they can smoke. (Ray)