In The News ...

So Sue Me: Johnny Cochran is giving up his Court TV show to create a large new personal-injury law firm in New York. In a related item, admissions at the New York State Chiropractic College have tripled in the last week. (Jim Rosenberg)

Now, That's Home Security: "It was reported ... that the Secret Service has added a million-dollar security system to the President and Hillary's new home in suburban New York. The security system includes bulletproof windows, floodlights and an alarm that goes off whenever Hillary's on her way home." (Conan O'Brien)

The Splitting Image: "The Brazilian model who had Mick Jagger's baby said in an interview she wanted the baby to look like her. But as it turns out, the baby looks exactly like Jagger ... I saw a picture of the baby and he looks like he's 75 years old." (O'Brien)

Picture Deal: The L.A. Times reports that Unabomber Ted Kaczynski's brother has a movie deal. Working Title: "You've Got Mail! II" (Rosenberg)

Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em: Philip Morris is publicly admitting that tobacco isn't safe. In a related move, the NRA has announced that smoking guns aren't safe, either. (Chris Bannon)

The Dating Game: "The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him." (Rich Jeni)

Games People Play: "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're all set." (Jeni)

Fame???: "I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario, after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem." (Derek Edwards)

New Game Show on CBS: CBS announced plans for a new game show in which 16 people will be put on an island in the South China Sea, where they will be subjected, quote, "to a rigorous contest of physical and mental endurance." I believe the host is Kathie Lee Gifford and they're calling it "Who Wants to Earn 88 Cents." (Steve Voldseth)

I Quit: Spain's top female matador, Cristina Sanchez, has retired. The only woman in the world who has been attacked by more bull is, of course, Hillary Clinton. (Rosenberg)

Sync Suit: Pop artists N Sync are being sued by their former record label for breach of contract. Reaction from the group was anticipated. Same old song and dance. (Ray)