In The News ...

King's Revenge: Stephen King purchased the vehicle that struck and seriously injured him. This is known as "buying the van that bleeds you." (Jim Rosenberg)

Dirty Money: In answer to the money problems with Russia, the Clinton administration has unveiled a national strategy to stop international money laundering. They hired Linda Tripp -- she can keep anything from going to the laundry! (Bill Williams)

History Noted: The History Channel is airing their big "History of Sex" series of programs all week. Folks, please, do not confuse this with Bill Clinton's documentary, "Sex is History." (Steve Voldseth)

Russian News: The Russian parliament confirmed Vladimir Putin as Russia's latest prime minister. Or as Boris Yeltsin calls him -- Vladimir Doe #5. (Williams)

Solid Oak: The 13 House Republican managers who brought impeachment charges against President Clinton have raised four times the amount of campaign money over the same time last year. It worked so good for them, they're bringing impeachment charges against Vice President Gore for having an "inappropriate relationship" with a tree surgeon. (Williams)

Somebody Can Kill Kenny: A school in England is changing its name from "South Park" because of the negative influence created by the movie of the same name. The school board says it will absolutely not tolerate public cursing ---- so it renamed the school "Charlton Heston Grammar School." (Williams)

Two Bad Crashes and a Hard Landing: FOX Network wants to put cameras in a 747 that the FAA plans to crash in the desert for research. The show is called "America's Worst Crashes" and will also include footage from "Ellen" and "The Roseanne Show." (Williams)

You May Be a Winner: To settle a class-action lawsuit, Publishers Clearinghouse will revise its sweepstakes mailings and offer millions of dollars in refunds. "In fact, I believe letters are already going to plaintiffs who filed suit. 'You may have already won $1 million in your legal action.'" (Johnny Robish)

Go Figure: Meeting at the premiere of "The Muse," Lauren Bacall reportedly told Keith Richards that he reminded her of Humphrey Bogart. "I can see it -- at least, Bogie as he looks today." (Bob Mills)

Making More Music: Plugging his new book, Ike Turner told MSNBC about how he went to prison for cocaine. "I didn't even know Ike worked for American Airlines." (Jay Leno)

Making Even More Music: A psychiatrist on MSNBC said Ike Turner's attitude came from self-doubt. "See, I think Ike realizes he will never be as successful as his brother Ted." (Leno)

Sowing Political Seeds: A company is selling plantings cut from trees owned by famous people. "There's the Lyndon B. Johnson pecan and the Martin Luther King Jr. oak. But my favorite celebrity tree is the Al Gore AL Gore." (Voldseth)

Sowing Strange Seeds: PBS "master gardener" Jerry Baker says spraying beer and urine on your yard will give you a better looking lawn. "So how come the grass looks so bad around fraternity houses?" (Leno)

We Apologize in Advance: A magazine run by the State University of New York is printing a parable written by the Unabomber. "It was a case of publish or perish." (Daily Scoop)

At the Head of the Class: U.S. News and World Report rated Caltech the best college in the nation. "Harvard ranked second, Columbia 10th and Florida 90-proof." (Bob Mills)

Upright Citizen: Bill Clinton's appeal to women voters hasn't rubbed off on Al Gore for some reason. Political life is funny. Women don't like Al because they say he's too stiff. Yet they love the president because he IS too stiff! (Williams)