Montreal Comedy Festival Quotes

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Jimmy Shubert

(On going to war over religion) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Rich Jeni

"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know." -- Franck Dubosc

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Gary Valentine

(On the difference between men and women) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -- Jeff Green

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Jeni

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -- Tim Steeves

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Jeni

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading." -- Emo Philips

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee -- the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Philips

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" -- Philips

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -- Jeni

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Philips

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." -- Philips

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Jeni