In The News ...

Think About It: Police in Ohio charged a teenager with driving a buggy while drunk. "The great thing about being an Amish criminal is you can never get the electric chair. They just make you sit in the sun." (Jay Leno)

Blurred Vision: Jean Claude Van Damme was booked on suspicion of drunk driving after being stopped at three in the morning for driving erratically on Sunset Boulevard. The actor was given a sobriety test -- the verdict: Two Thumbs Down! (Bill Williams)

Loving Cups: Kathie Lee Gifford has stepped in it again. Labor activists say her clothing line is still produced in Salvadorian sweatshops where the workers make pennies a day. But Kathie Lee is trying to make it right. She's shipped the girls, free of charge, all her old bras. (Williams)

New Survey: According to a new study by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, men who smoke cigarettes have less sexual desire. In fact, have you seen that new ad -- "I'd walk a mile for a Camel, but... not tonight, OK?" (Steve Voldseth)

What was God thinking of when he made a smart basketball player? It's an evolutionary dead end, like Howard Stern, a tall Jew. (Feldman)

Bowden Bucks: Florida State will pay head coach Bobby Bowden $1.5 million per year in a new contract. This figure puts him in an elite salary group in college football. He now joins some of his players. (Alan Ray)

KKK Cleaner: The Ku Klux Klan wants to clean up litter in a Missouri Adopt-a-Highway program. The group claims it's being discriminated against. But, the state is saying that's just tough sheet. (Ray)

We Couldn't Resist: Dionne Warwick's house was recently robbed. "You'd think she would have seen that coming." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Zero Space: The Hilton hotel chain is seriously considering being the first to put a hotel in space. Officials say one reason is "The romantic possibilities of zero gravity." In a related story, the newly-free Heidi Fleiss has declared she wants to boldly go where no madam has gone before. (Rhody)

Backtracking: As many as 15,000 divorces in New York might not be legal, the result of a courthouse scam. In a related story, Donald Trump and Larry King were recently seen weeping and consoling each other in Central Park. (Rhody)

It's the Same All Over: In India, it's illegal during election years to burn political candidates in effigy. "Actually, we have a similar rule in this country. From now until Election Day, it's illegal to have an open flame within 100 yards of Al Gore." (Steve Voldseth)

FBI Fodder: Big changes in store for the FBI training manual. What are the three steps in a siege negotiation? "Ready, aim, fire." (Ray)

Pokeman Power: Hasbro Toys has purchased Pokemon trading cards for $34 million. It would have cost only $17 million, but they decided to buy two packs. (Ray)