A Few Thoughts, To Think On

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted ....

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Am I getting smart with you? .... How would you know?

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?

My Reality Check bounced.

I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck and dodging deadlines.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

Sweat is Nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you...

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?

Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires. -- Dorothy Parker

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge ... Mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.