In The News ...

Schools across the country are now experimenting with serving prune burgers -- hamburgers made with prunes. In fact, if that works, they're thinking of opening a chain of prune burger restaurants. I believe they're calling them Windy's.

Wrestler Hollywood Hogan is 46 today. He changed his name from "Hulk" because he wanted a more sophisticated image -- obviously, he should have chosen "Governor Hogan."

The Promise Keepers, the group that promises to make married men more sensitive, is low on bucks, so they have taken on a sponsor for the next event. Ironically, the sponsor is "Victoria's Secret."

Go Figure: President Clinton has called on Congress to pass a jobs program for the marginally skilled. "I thought Congress was a jobs program for the marginally skilled." (Jay Leno)

Speaking of Politics: Congressional Republicans say they will move quickly to investigate how the 1993 Branch Davidian fire in Waco was handled. "Congressional Republicans are moving quickly? Get the defibrillators ready and put the intensive care unit on alert." (Jerry Perisho)

Speaking of Politics II: "If Congressional Republicans want to investigate a fiasco that went up in smoke, have them take a look at Newt Gingrich's 'Contract with America.'" (Perisho)

In West Valley City, Utah, a woman who says her husband was threatening to take her hostage summoned help via e-mail, and police arrested the man within 30 minutes. The arrest was accomplished by an e-mail message informing the man "You've Got Jail!" (Jim Rosenberg)

Thrill Rides: Legislators are calling for government inspections of theme park rides. What's the most likely fatality associated with a Disney World attraction? Standing in line, a person could die of old age. (Alan Ray)

The Unabomber has written a parable about the ills of modern society that will be printed next month in a student magazine at the State University of New York at Binghamton. It will not be read by students at the State University of New York at Binghamton, however, until it is summarized in Cliff's Notes. (Rosenberg)

President Clinton golfed with Prince Andrew Friday. Let's see, all they need is Gary Hart and they could've filmed "Animal House II." (Rosenberg)

Scary Microsoft: Microsoft's new ad campaign is "One World. One Web. One Program." Which is very close to Hitler's "One World. One Nation. One Leader." -- Now that I think about it, that explains what I saw at Office Depot the other day: Two geeks doing the goose- step in the motherboard aisle. (Bill Williams)

Bury Him Now, Sam: Lauren Bacall met Keith Richards and told him he reminds her of Bogie. Bogie's only been dead 42 years. I hope Keith took that as a compliment. (Williams)

Gingrich Go: Newt Gingrich says he may run for office again. He originally stepped down for personal reasons. So that he could spend more time with his mistress. (Ray)

Smoke Prices: Cigarette prices are going up 18 cents a pack. Tobacco companies cite rising overhead costs. Politicians are getting more and more expensive to buy. (Ray)